typewriter keep typing

(poem) april 1st, 2019

bring me down (into your arms)



take a bird, or two, the three of them there
swooping over city blocks in that graceful
flight line of sight way and remember they
are hunting, hungry, wanting creatures like

us.

.

so i know i told you before about the skyline
and the city but i wanted you to know that i
have more love in me yet, more than several
hearts beating twenty stories down below this

view.

.

call me out of my high tower, my self-imposed
imprisonment, oh i want a love to bring me down
to the earth for my feet to feel ground as i look up
at all the trees reaching sky with the sunset shadow

strewn


across this city / all the sky / and everything / in / between.



- adp, 01 april 2019 @ 5:48pm
typewriter keep typing

Book Reading List 2019

Book Reading List for 2019
- - - - - - -
LEGEND
(date finished)
* = first time read all the way through or never been read before
- - - - - - -

1. The Waking Comes Late by Steven Heighton (17 March 2019) *
2. Where The Words End and My Body Begins by Amber Dawn (08 April 2019) *
3. Mistakes To Run With by Yasuko Thanh (21 April 2019) *
4. My Ariel Poems by Sina Queyras (14 May 2019) *
5. The Allure of the Archives by Arlette Farge (04 July 2019) *
alice directions

Book Reading List 2018

Book Reading List for 2018
- - - - - - -
LEGEND
(date finished)
* = first time read all the way through or never been read before
- - - - - - -

1. Darkness and Light: Private Writing as Art An Anthology of Contemporary Journals, Diaries, and Notebooks Edited by Olivia Dresher and Victor Muñoz (17 April 2018) *
2. A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin & Henry Miller 1932-1953 Edited and with an Introduction by Gunther Stuhlmann (28 June 2018) *
3. On Writing by Charles Bukowski Edited by Abel Debritto (13 July 2018) *
4. Chicken by Lynn Crosbie (24 July 2018) *
alice directions

a more tangible life

Wednesday, April 25th, 2018.
11:26pm
I'm not going to write this post the same way as I've been writing other ones.

It's been difficult to approach the blank screen, the blinking cursor, this specific outlet.
On the one hand, I think it's good that I'm using the computer less often, changing the
way I use social media (slightly, sometimes) and trying to live a more tangible life.

I can't deny how I miss being able to post to my LiveJournal and share whatever was
on my mind. I miss writing what I was thinking and feeling in the moment and the
ability to go on tangents of description, to type out dreams, to feel open and how it
connected me with other people online. How it also let some people feel closer to me
no matter the distance - and for me too - the way words opened a window, a door -

a door I can't seem to open without great effort - more so as time goes on.

The internet has changed. It will continue to change. I was always aware of this.
I liked that about it. But now, as the years have passed, how the way we use social
media is changing us - realizing it is a choice always in the way one utilizes tools -
and the internet is a tool - but feeling the toll of years - the way the world is now.

I haven't stopped using various platforms (though FB and I continue to have an off
again / on briefly / off again relationship) and I am unlikely to ever stop using social
media or being interested in it. My interests haven't changed in regards to vlogging,
photography, writing and learning. I don't go a day without accessing the internet.
But I have noticed a difference. I think it comes from a multitude of factors and the
impact of taking in so much information on a daily basis. The influence of influencers.

The heaviness of all that's going on that one can see in real time and the immediate
reactions - how I find myself going silent online about it all even as I discuss these
matters offline. I am more weary and more wary. I did not grow up with the internet
but I have grown up with it in my life since I was 19. I am not 19 anymore. I'm still
learning but I have learned a lot - or enough - to know that it is not emotionally
sustainable to consume online content the way that I have and take care of my
well-being at the same time. How can I even share who I am now if I can't be
who I am - if my life is lived mostly through online curating for who? for what?

I want to write. I want to continue to express myself and to have this outlet,
this means of expression. I've been writing in my paper journal and I am so
grateful I've had the compulsion to put pen to paper - but I know that after
all these years, the same need to document my life with video and photos is
not to be discounted as valid simply because it doesn't have popularity or an
audience. I have always done this for me and I forget that when I give too
much of my time over to scrolling timelines and feeds and subscriptions
and liking this and faving that without honouring my own time for self-
expression / self-care / giving watch time to my self in real time, IRL.

I've been through a lot. Some of it is documented online, some of it isn't.

I know that when I do post or share something, I want it to be authentic.
Not hashtag authentic but truly real and representative of what I feel or
see or want to share of what I am experiencing in that moment in time,
knowing it isn't fully representative of my life but a snapshot, a moment.
I don't do it for attention or to subtweet or to hurt anyone. I do it for me.
I'm not trying to impress anyone (though I won't deny that if someone is
impressed at all by anything I have posted on the internet, if my words or
pictures mean anything at all to people, thank you) but I do not want to
be posting for validation. I can only validate myself. This is something I
will hopefully learn how to do in time but honestly, I don't know if I will.

When I don't post to my online journal, I miss it. I miss this way of writing.
I miss the outlet. I miss myself. I feel similarly (though more so) about my
paper journal. I think there are other people who can relate to this. Same for
those who compulsively take photos of their daily life, who share their lives
with vlogs and videos, who are expressing themselves, saying "I was/am here."

I started this LJ in April 2001. All that has happened since then & before.
Everything now. All that might yet occur. I am amazed. And I'm still here.
  • current mood: tired tired
tags:
i don't know what i'm doing

replied to a comment!

Monday, March 5th, 2018.
11:23pm
I'm doing it again. This is me, leaving it until the last minute to write my words, to get the 750 words done for the day. I have less than a half hour before midnight if you count the time it will take to do a quick read through and post to my LJ before the clock strikes midnight. I meant to reply to a recent comment but with so little time left to type this, it looks like I'm just going to wing it - again - and hope that I can make it to my word count goal in time.



It was husband's day off (I know it seems like he has a lot of days off but he doesn't really - it's just the way they have him scheduled) and tomorrow is another one. We're desperately close to having bare cupboards to match the near empty fridge but we're going to make it until pay day on Thursday and best of all, we made sure our rent was paid along with tenant insurance and whatnot. Priorities. As we get on our feet, going through a few days of lacking is ok because we'll be alright. This month was an extra pay week for me and he'll have some extra hours on his pays so we're going to be fine soon. We're a ways off from a point where we can feel secure but I don't think many people who live in today's economic climate (who aren't already established, connected with opportunities that have them well off or are supported by relatives &etc.) unless blessed with those circumstances, nothing is 100% certain or stable for anyone. It's all a bit of an illusion, really, that we tell ourselves. Look at how easily, unfortunately and swiftly it can all be taken away and lost. The only thing one can truly count on is that each day is another day of existence where one gets to decide how they want to react (or not) to the circumstances they are in and what they want to do (if anything) to change them.

11:38pm With those thoughts, I guess I could have started to reply to the comment someone left, so I'll quote it here and see what I can answer before I run out of writing time.
crookedfingers wrote: future
"do you believe you and your husband will live in this apartment into old age? how do you see your life in the future? I agree the view from your apartment is nice but what do you see in the future? Is your husband still going into the military? what do you plan to study when you go back to school? have you plans for old age or do you just go from one day to the next?"


At first, I wanted to react defensively to the comment but I think these were genuine questions asked from a place of curiosity so I'll give it a go.

Do I believe we (husband and I) will live in this apartment into old age?
Maybe! I don't know the future. I know that it was possible to have lived in our previous apartment in my hometown into old age (a few people had lived there for about 30 years or thereabouts) and now that I live in a much bigger city, it's not uncommon for many people to live in apartments for much of their lifetime, even the same one, for various reasons, whether economical or connected to community and so forth. While living in St. Thomas, I could see us either staying in the apartment or moving into a different one within the same building. I also could see us buying a house there and debated back and forth with myself on the matter. There were pros to home ownership but my heart was too torn by not being in the city where I truly felt I should be. Also, the fact that chances of employment and education were extremely limited there made the decision all the more precarious. It was nice to think of the houses that we could have had but home ownership isn't the same thing that it was 20 or 30 or 50 years ago. I think that moving back to Toronto was a good idea and I'm thankful that we live in this apartment. It's entirely possible that we could live here another 25 years (to retirement age) but with how things changed in my life just within the past year (when we didn't even know he'd have work here) to now living here, it goes to show one doesn't know. Not to mention how five years ago I didn't know what would be or ten years before that and so on.

Short answer. Yes, possibly. I can't see why we'd trade this view for anything else. We haven't lived here long enough to truly settle into the place but I am glad to be here and I think there is a lot of potential - not just in this apartment but in this city.

How do I see my life in the future?
I'd like to see it happen. I know in my heart that I am supposed to be writing and doing other creative things - perhaps with photography or something like that. I also feel that getting an education is something that I could really benefit from and would help immensely for figuring out a better plan. I would like to see my life being something I am more in the moment with - that I might finally get the concept of radical acceptance down!

As for what I see in the future, I can't answer that. I saw myself being back in Toronto and here I am. I have a few things in mind that I am trying to visualize that are things that would make for a good life to experience but a lot has to do with way too many varying factors that I don't have control over. I see a great view right now and that is good. And right now is the future.

No, my husband is not going into the military. He was keen on it and continues to exercise (his upper body is changing dramatically!) but back in January he received a letter from the department that reviews the medical reports and they decided to pass on him because of a history of depression. They don't know that he's worked continuously and that he is fantastic at compartmentalizing things but eh, so it goes. We understand that they are concerned about returning soldiers from the ongoing conflicts (wars and invasions) and how this has impacted their mental health. It's a disappointment so far as what he could have learned as well as contributed but it is what it is.

Tuesday, March 6th, 2018.
12:03am
I want to continue replying to the questions asked by crookedfingers and I'll add this to the post from a few minutes ago (last night).

what do you plan to study when you go back to school?
I love that this question was asked! First, I want to return to the program that I was enrolled in last late Summer / Fall. I am hoping to be back in for Term 3 at the college but restarting in the Term 1 streams. (They continuously run the program throughout the school year as it's a special program for those who are re-entering the workforce or looking into further education - or just needing to work on rebuilding social skills after going through stuff and it's just a very special program that I think is especially important and I'm grateful that they are one of the many chances afforded me by living in this great city.) Once I am back in school again, I'm hoping to complete it in a year but that depends on how I handle the stress of pressure I put on myself and of being out in the world most every day. I have a severe anxiety / panic disorder (among other things) and it's not an easy task. I had great momentum when I first moved back here but when I stopped going to focus on getting us on track at home --- and it worked, I don't regret that decision --- husband has a better job now than the one he first had when he moved to the city and he wouldn't have been as motivated to find it if I hadn't been home to help. It also saved us transit fare money as we shifted gears and faced the reality of transitioning from our previous living situation to our current one. Despite it costing more to live here and basically starting over, we both feel it's worth it.

But back to the question of school, I still like the idea of going into further studies after completing the program. I'm not sure yet if that means taking more college courses or of entering a university program. The great thing about the program I'll be taking is they have some great counselors to help with that process as well as direct one toward bursaries, grants and financial assistance for students from the government. We'll see how that works out. As for what I want to study, it's a mixed bag of wanting to pursue an English degree, study languages (French and others) and I would like to take writing classes, ones related to social media and marketing --- basically, I wouldn't mind being a lifelong learner who can attain knowledge in a variety of subjects that not only interest me but might be able to help me create some kind of business from home. All of this seems disorganized and scattered, I would suppose, but I'm interested in so many things that I think it'd be best for me to keep an open mind. A first year of General Education in a Liberal Studies program at college or university makes the most sense for me, even if I do have some specific things in mind. I'd love to study Poetry. Playwriting. History. The list goes on. I haven't even touched how passionate I am about issues that matter to me and maybe there's something to that. Or maybe I should just keep writing and see where that takes me. I don't know what I can handle when it comes to schooling so we'll see.

365 Days (2018): Day 64


have you plans for old age or do you just go from one day to the next?
I mentioned this question to husband and he's terrified, of course, and I must admit that I also have concern, given that there are generations before us that didn't have to worry in quite the same way we do when it came to feeling that they would have some sense of financial security in retirement. I think that this is a question that you'll find a lot of people in the generations younger than myself who would also have a question mark for this or a surprising answer as far as how open-minded they are with a quite different approach to both the present situation and plans for the future. From multiple income streams to minimalism to digital nomadism and anything one can imagine, people are thinking beyond the white picket fence concept. People are also faced with limitations, barriers and hardships not seen in many decades.

I like the idea of being here and feeling connected to community in the city. I also like the idea of us taking what we have scrounged up at retirement and moving to a place where the dollar stretches and it's a lovely place to see the rest of our days out.

That said, so much could happen in between now and then. We could still be together. We might not. I know of people who had a plan and then one of them died much too young and that changed everything for the other person. You don't know what's going to happen. I might continue to be someone who has not achieve the things I'd like to or maybe I'll surprise myself just in time to live a most comfortable and lavish lifestyle for the rest of my days. Who knows? I don't. I'm not saying that one shouldn't plan for old age. I had an RRSP when I was in my teens working at the factory. That's not the case now, is it? I am not going to say that we're totally thrilled to not be doing BETTER but I believe we're thankful it's not worse. From personal experience of it being worse, I know that it can also get better. Things change! Even when it feels like they can't, won't or don't.

I liked these questions. I don't have THE answers but I think that moving here, with this wonderful view, is not a bad place to be, all things considered. It's outside the comfort zone of what some people might have chosen for their path but I think it's proving to be far more interesting than picking what seems the safer option and then simply waiting out the days until death.