goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,
goldmourn
amberdawnpullin

dear you,

[...]

& I just had the thought, "is this another email that I'm going to feel stupid about?"

Yesterday I was talking with my best friend on the phone, asking her the question, "Why do people only see what they want to see in a relationship" and she said it was the mirror effect. I experienced this myself before. I took it a step further and honestly knew what was before me but I refused to let that be the answer. I wanted the relationship to work because I was young and loved him and thought it should work, it had to work, too much had been shared between us for it not to be something lasting. You know [...] there's always that side of the relationship formed between just you and that person and then you realize one day it may have all been made up in your mind (or theirs). Do I make any sense at five in the morning? Things just start looking differently when you step through the glass, when all you're left facing when you look in the mirror is yourself. I think it works this way - you are in the relationship and you see yourself in the mirror but believe you're seeing the other person too. After awhile, the person is out of there, you just see yourself alone, and this changes the view. Now you can pick the missing person apart because you are torn apart too. You can see them more objectively because you're looking at yourself too. Some people go through their whole life without ever looking at the glass or stepping through. They just live like they'll never have to know themselves or they don't want to face who they really are. People lie to themselves all the time. It's hard to be honest because that means digging - some people just don't want to see what's under there - they refuse to deal with it. And there's some people that think what they accumulate in possessions & money makes who they are, without knowing that who you are without those very things is closer to the bone. Some people just can't be that deep.

If you were to lose everything you love (or think you love) and after it, you can still feel for someone else's pain - to think of something besides (or as well as) your own loss ---- then you are so much more than someone who is given everything they ever want in the world.

For some reason, you're inspiring me to write this. Or, I'm inspiring myself.
Tags: internet convos, poetry & prose
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