goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

forget you knew anything

Don't show me frogs and snakes
And listen for my scream.
If I'm afraid at all
It's only in my dreams.

I've got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve,
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe.

- Maya Angelou, (from the poem: 'Life Doesn't Frighten Me')

I've put off writing about this for the entire day and so it's unlikely I can pull up too many details, but I'll give it a go. Although I was awake past three this morning, I managed to get out of bed before 10am, get showered and set about my day. This dream held on and I was picking it a part for most of the day. It involved my ex (Guy) and it had something to do with a new girlfriend. Analyzing it, I am relieved that I wasn't fighting to win him back or even want him, but the appearance bothers me nonetheless. How long do I have to process this? Years? What's the big deal? Why haven't I just let it go? Or is this just that? The scene I remember clearly was in a neighbourhood not far from here - I recognized the buildings. The storyline seemed to be something like this... I was trying to warn the girlfriend about him. You know, share what I learned from my experience with him in our relationship - the patterns that I see weren't solely my own fault but some were set in him before we ever met. I remember vividly telling the girl in my dream of how I love his parents - his mom especially - and relating to the girl the one afternoon I spent with my ex's mom, learning more about Guy than I had in our five+ years of being involved. In the dream, I told the girl how Guy is a lot like his father but he denies it and Guy made a grimace at me. He didn't much like the new girlfriend knowing anything, really. (Um, like it was for me in real life, eh?) And so after that, Guy and I turned into transformer-like robots and proceeded to do The Matrix scene where Neo & Trinity shoot up the place, only we were doing that to one another. Chunks of wall, roofs falling in, chases through hallways, ripping up the neighbourhood, violence violence violence. I was worried about the girl. Near the conclusion of the dream, there was this scene where I'm now an old man, sitting out front of the building where the robotic war game happened, and I said to one of the mental hospital van drivers (that's not a subtle subconscious message!), his name is Mike, I said to him, "I'm waiting here for the girl. I've got to tell her. I've got to stop him..." only to be told by the van driver than it had already happened, that this was many years later. My lucid mind (just before waking) told me that I had developed amnesia right after the transformer / matrix battle as a result of injury. Sad, really. I can't remember if I was sad at the end of the dream because the man had no memory or if it was due to my uncertainty about whether or not my attempt to intervene had changed anything.
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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