goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,
goldmourn
amberdawnpullin

my first journal entry of 2002

The question everyone will be asking one another in the coming days...

What did you do for New Years Eve?

My answer:
I slept right through it. Way to bring in the new
year, eh? Whoever says I don't know how to party,
well, they're right.

~~~~~~~


At Dad's place (of course) using his computer (duh) and I'm relieved that it's finally allowing me to stay connected. I had a terrible time early this afternoon with it kicking me off right away or not connecting at all.

Last night I stayed home. Dad and I have been using walkie talkies to communicate and I think we were going to say happy new year to one another but I was very much asleep by then. So much asleep that I stayed in bed most of the morning finding it most difficult to get out of bed. My bladder was persistent so I finally got up for good around 11am. I had honey nut cheerios for breakfast with 1% milk - mmm cheerios. I noticed yesterday that I have a little outbreak on my chin so I think I'm finally close to getting that monthly visitor again (and it's not the landlord, although he should be by today)

Speaking of the landlord, I left a handwritten note on the door for him. It says that I'll be paying him rent on the 3rd and 10th. It also says "Please don't evict me." and mentions the fact that while I'm glad he replaced the bathroom light bulb, it was a bit creepy to know that he had been in my house without me knowing that he would be. I signed it, "Your tenant" and taped it to the door so that he'll see it when he stops by for rent today.

Tomorrow is back to work day! Not a moment too soon as I have bills to pay, eh? I'm going to continue giving myself a star sticker for everyday worked in my little notebook where I keep track of food and exercise and my meds. I am also going to put a larger sticker in the small calendar that I'll take to work with me where I'll keep track of the hours worked and any appointments. I like the calendar we got from the local union because it has december in it and I already have a star for earning a day back for that month. Kind of a motivator. A fresh new year. A new year to do better. Heck, if I manage to work even a couple months in a row that will be doing better than last year!

I dreamed more about my old apartment only this time I was aware that I was in another time or dimension. I was talking to my Dad and telling him how the place was set up, what I was seeing, how I could even touch things that weren't actually there anymore but I could see them as though they existed, like me. I couldn't see him when I was doing this. I suppose this might be me thinking of how lately I've talked to dad on the walkie talkie as I'd go home, telling him about what I see or remember and him responding, sounding clear as if he's beside me but really being in his apartment. So in this dream he's the only one that believes what I'm saying and I'm starting to get the feeling that something bad is going on... then later it turns into this weird spectacle where people come in to shoot a movie and supposedly solve the unsettled spirit of the place, completely ruining it all and not doing anything good. I remember one scene where I'm looking down at the bathtub and it's white but I know that the tub I have now is green (a pale green porcelain that matches the tub and sink) and I know that what I'm seeing is not what is and well, it's hard to put that dream into words. I think this dream was commenting on the dreams I've had of the old apartment. I sat on the couch in one of the positions it was in (I was always moving my furniture around in that apartment, moreso than I do now) and well, it was just strange. There were other dreams and such but that's one of the things I managed to remember. Slipping away from me even now, as usual.

Behind my ear and down my jaw to my throat still hurts. Off and on pain but it's aching especially at the moment. I don't know what it is caused by or what's wrong.

I didn't hear from Guy although I got the receipt that let me know he'd read my email. Maybe he was too tired to reply? I don't know but it's bummed me out a little bit. I'm trying to show him that I miss him but I don't know if it's enough to make him feel secure in that. I wish things were different and that he were home with me. Just because I manage to get along okay on my own that doesn't mean that I'd prefer it over him and I being together.

I thought I was finally going to have an easier time with the internet connection and then it starts kicking me off again and not letting me back on. Well, I think I'll finally be able to update my journal. I'm going to cause myself more frustration and attempt to play some backgammon on Yahoo! with Gwen. This should be fun - so long as I can stay online.

It's 4:05pm - I started this entry at 3:14pm - and I've concluded that I will not play gammon with Gwen as I keep getting disconnected as I did earlier today. It's just not a good day. I think everyone who uses the same net provider that my dad does are all using their computers. I've had a frustrating time today with it. I know that there are worse problems in the world than being kicked offline so I'll stop whining about it.

...and so we begin another year.
Tags: dreams & nightmares
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