goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

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run the other way as fast as you can

As in other fairy tales, masculine forces can carry Bluebeard-like or murderous Mr. Fox sorts of energy and thereby attempt to demolish the dual nature of women. That sort of suitor cannot tolerate duality and is looking for perfection, for the one truth, the one immovable, unchangeable femina substancia, feminine substance, embodied in the one perfect woman. Ai! If you meet this kind of person, run the other way as fast as you can. It is better to have a Manawee-type lover both within and without: He is a much better suitor, for he is intensely devoted to the idea of the Two. And the power of the Two is in acting as one integral entity.

So Manawee wishes to touch this most ubiquitous but mysterious combination of soul-life in woman, and he has a sovereignty all of his own. Since he is himself a wildish, natural man, he resonates to and has a taste for the wildish woman.

[the above is excerpted from the book
Women Who Run With The Wolves
Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D]

Sunday, July 24th, 2005

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. I was 20 and then I was 25 and now I'm 27 and next I'll be 30. The years in between don't seem to amount to much. I look around and things are just more dust-covered. I gotta get out of this place. I've not heard a word from WSIB and it's stressing me out. I wish they had done what they said they were going to do - have me get up-to-date patch testing at their facility in Toronto - I've been waiting and there hasn't been a letter sent to me about it at all. I've got a form to fill out for the short-term insurance company through work and I didn't make it past the section requesting my name and address. The questions are frustratingly irrelevant given the situation. I know I have to get it filled out and sent away though or else I won't have an income. I'm going to phone the factory tomorrow and ask for some help with it because I'm just not sure what I should write and of course, any little mistake can hold up the continuation of the claim. This is just adding to my increasing anxiety.

My dreams are being influenced by a certain situation going on. I've received some text messages on my phone from Guy. July 23 9:38pm - "Tell your piece of shit "boyfriend" & all your other loser so-called friends to stop going to my site. There's nothing for you or them to see." And there really isn't anything there to see, except for the message, "Losers like goldmourn and her so-called friends can stop visiting anytime now, thanks... Everybody else is more than welcome to return as often as you wish. You're IP Address has also been logged and noted ~ thank you for visiting!" - say it with me, "It's your not you're!" Also, I noticed that he used the word 'so-called' just like his tearz' girlfriend had in her profile. I know it would be easy to think she was another made-up girlfriend of Guy's but no, she's real - I've heard her voice a number of times when he would have me on the phone while she was on yahoo voice chat with him. When Guy and I were talking (and phone fucking) for a couple days there, he told me she hadn't been in contact with him in a week, and he suspects her husband returned home and busted her about the online thing. He said he'd had doubts about her all along and didn't I remember how he'd said that and all I had to do was just be patient and blah blah blah? Sad, very sad. July 24 12:23am - "Wow... Busy lil beaver, aren't ya? LOL" (I take it that meant he'd called me while I was on the phone with my friend Chuck and had received my voice mail right away, so hung up and text'd me instead). Sorry, but I am never choosing Guy over my friends ever again. I'm not going to drop anyone for him, including myself - and that's what prompted the big explosion in my journal the other day because he started getting possesive again and we weren't even back together! I completely lost it when I read that he'd flipped out on one of my LJ friends again. He's done that too many times in the past and I've alwasy defended or excused him but not this time. So now he's getting a bit angry with me not talking to him or responding to his texts. Like this lovely text that I received this morning - I saw that my cellphone was blinking again when I walked through the kitchen where it was plugged in, on my way to the washroom: 6:14am - "You just HAD to take a picture of the woodburning stove, playgirl mags, kama sutra book, playboy mags & vibrating seat. Reminds me what a whore you've become." The thing about those photos is that I was walking around an antique and market sort of place and those are various objects I took pictures of - all things that anyone could see by everyone. And I took pictures of tea cups and childrens' toys too - what does that mean? The woodburning stove was in a blacksmith shop in a building on the grounds of a museum not too far away from the market place in Grand Bend. It was funny because dad was trying to get me to look over to the side while I was taking pictures of the woodstove - when I did he said, in a teacher sort of voice, 'And this here is what was once known as the 'gas-burning barbecue' - and he pointed at a barbecue that was sitting on a table among much older tools - we laughed at this. And why am I explaining myself? I took photos of what I saw and that's that. If it reminds Guy of what a whore I am, why is he bothering to contact me? Oh wait, we've already been over this before, haven't we? Getting kind of old, isn't it? Sickening, ain't it? Can we just move on now, please? Obsessive love (it's not love) is powerful. It's also extremely dangerous and difficult to get yourself out of - I should know - I was not unwilling prey - I shivered defeat at his feet for him to take me over and over again. I now confess my sins and pray for absolution.

It is not by accident that men and women struggle to find deeper sides of their natures and yet become distracted for any number of reasons, mostly pleasures of various sorts. Some become addicted to those pleasures and stay forever entangled there and never continue with their work.
Mates who seek to name the dualities may, like the dog, lose their resolve as they are tempted off the path. This may especially occur if they are feral or starved creatures themselves. Too, they may lose their memory of what they were about. They may be tempted / attacked by something from their own unconscious which wishes to force itself upon women for exploitative gain or wishes to entice women for its own pleasure, or in an effort to banish a hunter's emptiness.

On the way back to his master, the dog is distracted by a luscious bone, and in the process, forgets the young women's names. This episode embodies a very common occurence in deep psychic work: the distractions of appetite interfere with the primary process.
So you see, the bone on the road is waiting for all of us. It has the luscious stink a dog can hardly refuse. At worst it is likely a favorite addiction, one which has already cost us and cost us. But even if we have failed time and again, we must try again, till we can pass it by and get on with the primary work.

[the above is excerpted from the book
Women Who Run With The Wolves
Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D]
Tags: excerpts

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