i have a site tracker on my website and for the second time, i've seen my workplace's signature. the first time i noticed it, i had a panic attack - went to the store in the middle of the night & spent my grocery money on a stack of magazines. it didn't make anything better but what else could i do? then i find out that the search was done by a co-worker, and not management as i had feared. and then i see that again, a search has been done with the same signature only this time it was my full name and how can i know if it was the same person or maybe a curious human resources manager who would like very much to see me go because i'm not there and shit just thinking about this makes me want to pull everything i have off the internet but it's too late now i've already been seen and i'm out there and google listed and fuck fuck fuck this is who i am and this is where i am and it's too late now. i can try to reassure the reader that i'm just trying to get it together and that i'm doing ever so much better than i had been & that i'm trying to stop the bleeding & i'm trying to get it together & that these are just glitches and - 2:34pm - spoke with Jennie my therapist for an hour or so. therapy over the phone. it helps. tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. i'll return to work on wednesday and face things. better than hiding at home for months on end. i don't want to do that ever again. i will tough this out. sometimes, i have the tendency to go to extremes - highs and lows and i don't knows - stop and go - i need routine and structure and i have the capacity to make that happen with my mad organizational skills and the pressure is on so i best get myself together. and i need to fully realize that it's okay to take care of myself. it's okay to do well. it's okay to set goals and accomplish them. it's okay to fail. it's okay to exist! it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. and so i'll just keep trying and i won't give up and i will get through this, whatever this is. "just know that every circumstance & situation, is not gonna last always" and i have to get outside of my head. i don't want the past to repeat itself repeat itself repeat itself. Breathe. You can't save the world if you don't save yourself. I'm the only one who can save me from myself. It's an inside job and i need to be present everyday. In order to see good changes, I need to make good changes. This circle / this cycle consistently comes around to that conclusion. (every damn time)
don't look at me
i have a site tracker on my website and for the second time, i've seen my workplace's signature. the first time i noticed it, i had a panic attack - went to the store in the middle of the night & spent my grocery money on a stack of magazines. it didn't make anything better but what else could i do? then i find out that the search was done by a co-worker, and not management as i had feared. and then i see that again, a search has been done with the same signature only this time it was my full name and how can i know if it was the same person or maybe a curious human resources manager who would like very much to see me go because i'm not there and shit just thinking about this makes me want to pull everything i have off the internet but it's too late now i've already been seen and i'm out there and google listed and fuck fuck fuck this is who i am and this is where i am and it's too late now. i can try to reassure the reader that i'm just trying to get it together and that i'm doing ever so much better than i had been & that i'm trying to stop the bleeding & i'm trying to get it together & that these are just glitches and - 2:34pm - spoke with Jennie my therapist for an hour or so. therapy over the phone. it helps. tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. i'll return to work on wednesday and face things. better than hiding at home for months on end. i don't want to do that ever again. i will tough this out. sometimes, i have the tendency to go to extremes - highs and lows and i don't knows - stop and go - i need routine and structure and i have the capacity to make that happen with my mad organizational skills and the pressure is on so i best get myself together. and i need to fully realize that it's okay to take care of myself. it's okay to do well. it's okay to set goals and accomplish them. it's okay to fail. it's okay to exist! it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. and so i'll just keep trying and i won't give up and i will get through this, whatever this is. "just know that every circumstance & situation, is not gonna last always" and i have to get outside of my head. i don't want the past to repeat itself repeat itself repeat itself. Breathe. You can't save the world if you don't save yourself. I'm the only one who can save me from myself. It's an inside job and i need to be present everyday. In order to see good changes, I need to make good changes. This circle / this cycle consistently comes around to that conclusion. (every damn time)
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suppose there were some words.
07 January 2021 @ 12:30am Monday, January 11th, 2021. 7:53pm I know, I know, I haven't written in awhile. I gave myself an extended vacation.…
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winter solstice blues
Monday, December 21st, 2020. 11:00pm I don't have anything to share about today, as in, nothing happened? It was the Winter Solstice though but I…
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took two days off writing.
Sunday, December 20th, 2020. 11:19pm It's been a couple days, eh? I "scheduled time off" on the 750 words site which allows me to take a break…
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