Speaking of dreams, Tracey told me last week, while at work, when she had spent the day before sleeping, that she had this one dream of the two of us in her new vehicle (she doesn't have a new vehicle yet) and we had boxes of Guy's stuff and we were driving all the way to Florida to drop it off and that when we did that Guy was like, "But... but... but..." and I was like, "Bub-bye!" and Tracey & I took our time driving back home. It's unlikely that this would happen (although she has had dreams that come true) but it was nice to know that someone was thinking of me and that perhaps this is another sign that I am in the process of truly moving on completely - I hope so!
I have to admit that the past few days at work were a bit rough because the mind goes over lots of things when one is doing a repetitive job and I thought of Guy a lot and it was rough. Since we have had no contact for weeks now, there is distance and the mind sorts things out but seems to like to push all the good parts to the forefront just to confuse me and I have to remind myself that there was a downside to it all and that I didn't like who I was with him (I lost myself, I lost myself) and that even if we tried again, there are some things that will never change (he doesn't trust me - he never will, he doesn't see some faults in himself yet focuses on mine, there are some control issues and so forth) and so it's a battle of wills inside of me but I think it's just because I'm lonely at times and I miss some stuff. My mistake has always been to turn back because I thought it would be safe or that things would turn out differently but the painful pattern was proved time and time again. And I just read an entry on my friends list and feel this is the perfect quote to sum up my thoughts and feelings about it all...
The saddest and most exciting truth
at any given moment is that
things will never be the same again.
The first day back to work after missing a couple days, the first words that Supervisor Bob said to me were, "Did you miss two days or three?" I replied, "Two!" and that was the entire conversation. If I had missed three, I would have been disciplined. Three days without a note can actually get you fired so yes, the one day difference mattered. Bob was great with me after that and would say hello if he walked past. I am relieved to still be working for him. Anywho, yes, I made sure to drag my butt into work on Friday because I knew that I didn't want to be off on sick leave again, no matter how much my uterus hates me. Other than that, I'd say the past couple of days (because I also worked on Saturday) went very well. I worked consistently and when I was finished a bin at the 7978 and didn't have anything left to do at that work station, I went over to another machine to help the crew I worked with a few days before. Better than some people who just stand there doing nothing or talking for who knows how long. It turns out that one of the persons I was working with said that Bob had told them he'd be sending me over if they got behind or needed help - so kudos to me for going where he would have sent me anyway! On Saturday, I leaktested the nyclad fuel lines and we ended up doing being more productive than they regularly are on an 8 hour day. We had 100 parts less than a full day's work on that overtime day. I liked keeping busy and I liked the feeling of contributing to a productive work station. I think that most people (even me) like to feel good about the job they do. Even if we are just monkeys. Yeah, that's apparently the word on the floor. A stupid arrogant person in management referred to the floor people as 'monkeys' and that does not make relations any better. The office has terribly low morale as it is, with an incredibly high turnover rate among the staff and engineers, and so it's not surprising that there are moments of lash outs. A lot of gossip and talk goes on in a factory anyway. It's a lot like high school, except the people are older.
I posted this on myspace: There is a small patch on my left hand - the thumb and palm area - I noticed its return late last week. I knew it had started over again when I was running the hot water a moment too long. This is part of the job. It wouldn't be the same without the pain.
This morning I slept late and dreamed of driving down a country road landscape. A small town road was renamed "18,000" because it had reached a population of the same number. That's a really long street. Leaving that place, I was passenger side going past farmland. I could see the insides of empty barns & I was thinking of the empty places inside of me.