goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

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Sunday, October 14, 2001

I'm feeling a bit haunted at the moment.

Barry was in my dreams last night. Now, perhaps this was simply inspired by me getting the name analysis for Guy's middle name (which happens to be Barry) but to invoke a dream of Barry? I haven't seen him in years! The last time was at my old apartment. I had a crush on him from when I was 14 years old (1992) when he grabbed my arm to dance and we danced nearly every song and I fell hard for him... and it continued on and off for years afterwards. It was dispelled somewhat when he married a second or third cousin of mine. Still, every year at the reunion when we saw each other..... even when I was 19 and there was a birthday party for me at my parent's.... well..... it was intense. (I wrote about it all in my paper journals) Oh sure, I had other crushes throughout those years but he remained somewhere in my head. Later on it helped to know that he was a jerk and that it was best I didn't get involved with him, best I held out. Back to the dream... there was a moment where he said "let's dance" and we did but it was all out of step which was odd because we danced quite naturally together from the start in real life..... it was also in front of other people in a school gym and it didn't seem the appropriate time and place to do that. I had other dreams and he wasn't in them but the fact that he was in them at all bugs me. I know that I did the right thing the last time I saw him when I told him to go away, go back to his wife, (they separated 2 weeks later) but it really blew my mind for him to say that he had felt for me all those years... all in all, it was very weird. Anyway, despite being an asshole for things he'd done to others, Barry gave me some rare happy memories and feelings of being loved, desired or appreciated when there was so much time spent alone and not feeling that way. Considering that I remained a virgin until I was 20 years old when Guy and I got together in person, I feel that most likely added to the experiences I had with him (sexual tension, infatuation, fantasy element) and something in me came to terms with it when it came down to it when he showed up at my door that last time. I was able to rationalize and tell him no, go away, even as he wrapped his arms around me and held me close to him... I knew it wasn't real.

I'm not saying that I'm any smarter now or that I understand love any better than I did back then but I do realize that I am capable of loving others and of being loved. That's an important thing to learn and accept. They say those who love strongly once will surely love again. And I have.

I may not have complete confidence in Guy and I having the healthiest relationship at all times... but my hope is that somehow we become better people because of it or that we understand or know more about ourselves along the way.... Guy has been gone since April 24th... we've gone through a lot and we're still going through a lot.... but.... I think it's worth it or will be, after all is said and done.
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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