goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

310 words - far as I can go.

"and when I'm buried and in my grave, tell me so I may know"
- 'The Briar and the Rose'

When the body was being lowered into the ground, I wanted to be there. I wanted to see the pile of earth without the green carpet covering the mound. The so obviously not grass tacky cloth that supposedly respectfully conceals at a place where the finality was clear as the day we laid her to rest - I wanted to see every thing and I wanted to know every part of the burial process, from start to finish. As morbid as that might seem, I even thought of slipping into the space between the casket and the concrete, of sliding myself down beside the coffin into the vault, with a lid to close me in.

A bit dramatic, I know, but only a week before I had overdosed on prescription medication, so this should have been me, in a coffin, dead. Had I known that she would be leaving, that she would go to a place where I could not follow, I may have gone about it all differently. Months later, I think of how I wanted a chance to say goodbye, a moment to apologize for failing her. This feeling will not depart from me, even as, at this very moment, her body is… no, I will not write of it.

You know, I touched her hair during the viewing but she was not there. The experience is supposed to help you accept that the person has passed on. I understood the purpose when I saw the open casket - a body without a soul. How can I relate what it was like to softly speak the words, 'good journey' to someone who has already left?

Everyone I love will leave me unless I find a way to go first.

thoughts: I think that I'll scrap this first attempt because it clearly is not the making of a novel of any sort and is far too close to actual memory than anything else. This is more like a reflective piece, although dark, and I'll just count it as writing exercise. If anything, I will write something every day and if all that comes of it are various bits of writings, well, that's better than not writing anything at all.

I'm having the revising / constant editing problem again. Argh.
Tags: nanowrimo, poetry & prose

  • Trip To Scotland & Ireland: Twitter Edition

    As with the Trip To Italy post, the timestamps may not be correct given the time difference(s) and whatnot. Thank you to those who followed along…

  • explorers of our time

    Tuesday, February 24th, 2015. 10:44pm I'm watching some urban exploration videos on YouTube that are made by someone who lives in Ontario, Canada.…

  • last night on #thewalkingdead

    Thank you @WalkingDead_AMC for a @wwwbigbaldhead and @mcbridemelissa moment!— amber dawn pullin (@goldmourn)…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.