goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

  • Music:

How long must she pay for it?

In my place, in my place... were lines that I couldn't change...
and I was lost... (oh yeah) ...I was lost, I was lost...
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed... I was lost...

- from 'In My Place' by Coldplay

I had that dream again.

The dream where I am living in my previous apartment - my first apartment - and I am suddenly quite aware of the fact that I still live in this apartment... and that Guy's belongings are in the back room... and where will I put all of this stuff that I have now? I moved the furniture around quite often in my first apartment. It was a one bedroom and the kitchen was larger than the one I have now and was open to the living room, the rest of the apartment basically forming an L-shape. I can see the place clearly still. Most likely I will dream of this apartment when I move away but I get the feeling that the dream is about a bit more than moving. There are common things that occur in it ---

1) happiness with being back in my old apartment. I really did like it there. It wasn't all that bad for a first apartment. There was a time when I thought seriously of moving back in to it but...

2) I have more stuff now than I did then. For one, the Army dropped off Guy's worldly goods here. I also have a few more pieces of furniture from my Granny. Granted, I had furniture taken away (from when Mom moved out) so it probably all evens out somewhere, and there is a great deal of my own things that I could get rid of easily...

...all of these are things that go through my mind in the dream. I have to make the decision of what to do. I can't live in two places, ya know?

3) I think of the good things about the place I live in now. I like it here, well enough, although I know I won't live here indefinitely. I will be moving on, eventually.

4) I made less mistakes in my old place. Or maybe it's just that I was younger. Or that I was more brave. Or that things hadn't quite become such a terrible mess.

What choice should I make? Sometimes, Guy is in the dream, sometimes not, but I'm not unaware that perhaps this reoccurring dream is inexplicably tied to the relationship and my indecision of what to do.

I want to be in both places at the same time.

And I want to go back to the beginning.

But I can't.

{Not even in my dreams}
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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