and I was lost... (oh yeah) ...I was lost, I was lost...
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed... I was lost...
- from 'In My Place' by Coldplay
I had that dream again.
The dream where I am living in my previous apartment - my first apartment - and I am suddenly quite aware of the fact that I still live in this apartment... and that Guy's belongings are in the back room... and where will I put all of this stuff that I have now? I moved the furniture around quite often in my first apartment. It was a one bedroom and the kitchen was larger than the one I have now and was open to the living room, the rest of the apartment basically forming an L-shape. I can see the place clearly still. Most likely I will dream of this apartment when I move away but I get the feeling that the dream is about a bit more than moving. There are common things that occur in it ---
1) happiness with being back in my old apartment. I really did like it there. It wasn't all that bad for a first apartment. There was a time when I thought seriously of moving back in to it but...
2) I have more stuff now than I did then. For one, the Army dropped off Guy's worldly goods here. I also have a few more pieces of furniture from my Granny. Granted, I had furniture taken away (from when Mom moved out) so it probably all evens out somewhere, and there is a great deal of my own things that I could get rid of easily...
...all of these are things that go through my mind in the dream. I have to make the decision of what to do. I can't live in two places, ya know?
3) I think of the good things about the place I live in now. I like it here, well enough, although I know I won't live here indefinitely. I will be moving on, eventually.
4) I made less mistakes in my old place. Or maybe it's just that I was younger. Or that I was more brave. Or that things hadn't quite become such a terrible mess.
What choice should I make? Sometimes, Guy is in the dream, sometimes not, but I'm not unaware that perhaps this reoccurring dream is inexplicably tied to the relationship and my indecision of what to do.
I want to be in both places at the same time.
And I want to go back to the beginning.
But I can't.
{Not even in my dreams}
