paper heart and pen

First entry...

note: I was referred to LiveJournal by winterchylde. It has been both a journey & experience. Good things have come from the friendships I've formed through this site and it's been a source of great inspiration, a place of personal expression. If anything comes from it, it's in partial due to the invite I was given for this website. Thank you, Damon.
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I used to keep an online diary on mydeardiary.com but then decided to return to my paper journal for awhile. I only wrote a couple entries when I was returning to work though and since then have mostly just written emails to Guy. Guy is my love, who will most likely be mentioned quite often in my journal as he is my constant thought... always somewhere in my brain... mmmmwah*

I had a dream last night that I wrote a little bit about in an email to Guy this morning. I want to share it here. I wrote this after my shower this morning...

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I had the most amazing movie dream last night. I wish I could remember it all right now.... something about this man left behind during some sort of disaster that happened in a city. The place is a mess. (I think it was disease and weapons and such) and he was hiding out in his old office. He was in very good shape and had long hair with a pony tail and looked and acted like a complete asshole. There was a woman who came along, beautiful, who was also hanging around and she stood beside a painting he did which looked exactly like her. He ended up taking her as his slave or something of the sort. He was cruel. He got extremely fat as time when on throughout the dream. He was very mean to her. At one point when he pushed her down she told him that he made her drop the birth control pills so what does he think about that and well, for some reason he liked that and he pushed her down again and well, I think he did her but the dream didn't wait around for that. Next it's back in this awful building and she's sitting alone in a room where there's a stuffed animal and she's asking why he is that way and it's the doll talking then suddenly she's herself again talking to the doll. She said something about how there must be something about him that she can't see that is good. That he can't be all evil. They have a boy that grows up quickly (I didn't see the childhood) and something happens where other people are around and there's a boat. The man who is by now just huge, falls in and is about to drown. No one is saving him. She dives into the water and rescues him, a little fearful he might drown her. He comes to a revelation in the water realizing that she loves him and next part he's in shape again, playing with his teenage son. That's only part of the dream. It was like I was watching a movie. It was vivid and there were a lot of details that I can't put into words. Before that it was me in reality and I think you were there and we were on AOL and I was in the poets place chat room and while that was going on I was watching a movie - which was what I just wrote about to you above.
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Sometimes my dreams are so detailed and vivid that I can't believe my mind has come up with them. Oh sure, there are the obvious connections to my waking life and things that may have happened over the course of my day, but the places or people in them that I can't place in my normal existence... it leaves me to believe that the Dreamworld truly is Another Place.

Well, moving on, I've been doing well lately. Taking my meds everyday. Going to work everyday. Losing weight. Fitting my jeans (yay for me!) and basically I'm on the right track to getting things straightened out. I have a goal to have money stashed, after all bills are caught up, so that I can go visit Guy (who is in Florida) for a couple of weeks in July. If I do really well, I should still have cushion even after my vacation. I'm trying my darndest here. No, I'm not thinking about when I'll crash and burn. I'm not going to. I'm going to keep on going the way I am. I have about three months ahead of me of working my butt off and then I'll be with my Babeee again*

That's all I'll spill for this first entry. I like the fact this is called a journal. When I first started keeping diaries in 1989, that's what they were called... "diaries" ... then I moved on to calling them "journals" ... as I grew older. I keep my "paper" journal with me in my bag just in case I feel the need to write a thought down. I've written in it a couple of times before work but I'm not forcing myself to write in it. It's a beautiful journal though. If you visit my webpage you'll be able to take a look at the covers of my scanned diaries and journals...

That's all for now.

~goldmourn~
  • current mood: tired tired