goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

I have run this trail before and I do it in my sleep.

Friday, October 03, 2003

"Once women have lost her and then found her again, they will contend to keep her for good. Once they have regained her, they will fight and fight hard to keep her, for with her their creative lives blossom; their relationships gain meaning and depth and health; their cycles of sexuality, creativity, work and play are re-established; they are no longer marks for the predations of others; they are entitled equally under the laws of nature to grow and to thrive. Now their end-of-the-day fatigue comes from satisfying work and endeavours, not from being shut up in too small a mind-set, job, or relationship. They know instinctively when things must die and when things must live; they know how to walk away, they know how to stay."
Women Who Run With The Wolves
Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D

His name is Sean. He was named after Sean Connery. Sean is turning 28 on the 15th of October. He lives about an hour and a half away from me. He is allowing me to be brutally honest about who I am and we understand each other. I am an open flower. I am a raindrop on the leaf, ready to fall. I am careful cautious. I am reckless free. I am trusting. I am trusted. This is a fresh start. A beginning during an ending. This is causing me to experience both sadness and happiness at the same time.

And I have dandruff in the cracks of my cell phone.

"When women reassert their relationship with the wildish nature, they are gifted with the wildish nature, they are gifted wtih a permanent and internal watcher, a knower, a visionary, an oracle, an inspiratrice, an intuitive, a maker, a creator, an inventor, and a listener who guide, suggest, and urge vibrant life in the inner and outer worlds. When women are close to this nature, the fact of that relationship glows through them. This wild teacher, wild mother, wild mentor supports their inner and outer lives, no matter what.

So, the word wild here is not used in its modern pejorative sense, meaning out of control, but in its original sense, which means to live a natural life, one in which the criatura, creature, has innate integerity and healthy boundaries. These words, wild and woman, cause women to remember who they are and what they are about. They create a metaphor to describe the force which funds all females. They personify a force that women cannot live without."
Women Who Run With The Wolves
Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D

For the past few weeks I have been remembering most of my dreams. Something in me has awoken and I have been connecting, have become connected - I am a connection. It is more than just a filter of events experienced during the day. It is difficult to explain. Being at work this past week was draining. I soaked people through my skin. Maybe that is another contributing factor to the severity of the contact dermatitis? Twice, at least, I would answer the phone and not remember speaking, not remember the call at all. This used to happen when I would take the gen-clonazepam (not remembering the previous nights' conversations) but I have not used that medication at all recently. I am going through a change. I am finding myself in strange places and dreaming of the girl I used to be - the child who was so much stronger than me. She is telling me secrets. She is showing me truth. She is the one who said, "welcome home" and she is leading me down the winding dirt path - the one that leads to the forest of trees - the place of knowing. I feel as though I am returning to myself. I have run this trail before and I do it in my sleep.

I do it in my sleep.
Tags: excerpts

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