goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

a polymorous relationship

Thursday, March 20, 2003

I'm listening to CBC Radio One and there is a briefing from the Pentagon being stated. I was watching tv last night when war 'officially' began while writing in a cardletter to Guy. I made a terrible mess of it.

I had some interesting dreams which involved myself being a part of a polymorous relationship - I was wife #1 - but it seemed that there were also numerous husbands as well - not least of which #1 was Sean Connery and #2 was Harrison Ford. In my dreams, no doubt. And yes, I'm aware they are older than my Dad. So? In any case, I remember putting these red necklaces on the new girls, most made of string (ha, the 'ana' movement includes the fad of wearing red bracelets as reminders and a way of recognizing others who are donig the same), and telling Mr. Connery something or another in his ear (definitely inspired by the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade which I watched recently after borrowing movies from my Dad) and I remember one of the girls resenting that I was first wife, which brought with it leadership responsibilities and the subsequent wives needing to listen to me when it came to keeping the house in order and such. I told her that it was something I earned having been with him the longest and how do they think I feel having to see him take yet another beautiful young wife that results in myself being pushed further into rotation? Perhaps that is why I brought more 'husbands' into the picture and the murmurings of the girls turned to excitement as to who would be #3 and so on --- Tommy Lee Jones? How about some younger men? Who after that? The scene of the Rural Expo that happened here in Glencoe last year was the setting --- I wish I had taken photos. In any case, I am still amazed that I managed to dream so much (details lost upon waking, or maybe it was after the 2nd time I had to change my panties despite the use of super and super plus tampons that made me brush sleep away) and no doubt I've neglected some details in relating some of this. I refuse to share who the women were (none of which were famous, but instead women that I know) as I don't want to think of why I thought I would share them with my husband, or what that means if picked apart by psychology-minded types. Later on in the morning I remembered that I have an old issue of 'Nerve' magazine that had an article about a polymorous group called the Ravenhearts. I read it over again this morning but I think that I was more inspired by an A&E Investigative Report I had watched long ago (when I had my satellite service hooked up) that was about various polymorous families in the States, many of which discussed what it was like to have several wives and how they 'shared' their husband, the scheduled nights of who would get to sleep with him, the position of the first wife in the household but how each new wife would affect her and the others. I think the show impacted me in some way because I remember feeling deeply for the one woman after the video camera caught her in a family photo, she standing behind her husband who sat on the couch, he, holding the hand of his newest wife, much younger than his first, the woman looking down at their hands, a look of anguish or hurt or anger or sadness or pain or longing... it was hard to tell but for that split second, it made you feel that no, this woman was not happy with the situation. And then there is the way the other women look at the first wife, her longevity or superiority having been there at his side for so long... wow, I am thinking about this waaay too much. And no, I am not considering a polymorous relationship at all. Guy is more than enough for me and I would hope that he finds me to be all he needs as well. We could always improve in our communication but we continue to make advancements and every now and then we take a few strides forward in being open with one another about we want and like and think about... The greatest improvement that could happen in our relationship would be for me to not hate myself, for me to feel confident and sexy in my skin, (to lose the weight so that I will feel that way) and for us to trust each other more. We can be a bit twisted with our fantasies and maybe some of that has rubbed off in my dreams as well but it seems to work for us, especially with the distance we are forced to keep between us. I remember my feeling of jealousy - yet compassion? - as the one girl held her long hair up so that I could put the red choker necklace around her slender neck.

Maybe this dream had more to do with how I feel about my body and my obsession with losing this weight (again) than about being wife #1 to Sean Connery?

Well, duh, eh?
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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