goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

now and then she is in my dreams

Monday, February 10, 2003

"The woman who has sprung free has emotional mobility. She is able to move toward the things that are satisfying to her and away from those that are not. She is free, also to succeed."
- Colette Dowling

now and then she is in my dreams, as I remember her from the last time we visited with one another at my first apartment before she was to leave the country. I have the two large cats on the winding stairs from that last meeting (it's not a luxurious feature, the stairs I mean, being covered in the shit green carpet that the landlords so cheaply have throughout the house) but back to her... I miss her and somehow I think she must know this and maybe she misses me too and yet, things continue on as they have been for what, a year now? I purge in my paper journal, much as she most likely has dealt with her thoughts on this with private entries and various scribblings in her notebooks --- (i’ve seen her slanted scrawl in my dreams as well on letters, countless letters that I pick off the floor one by one a trail to a tearful reunion - not to happen) and all of this is for the best? Most likely for her, not for me. I know that she probably made the wise decision in cutting me - i am a self-destructive tangled up mess of entrails when it comes down to it - and the fact remains that i am the one who lost the most in this. yes, i can write in my journal. yes, i can write long letters to guy (which i often did instead of writing her, keeping in touch with her) but the truth remains is that there was nothing like our correspondence. sure, the first few letters after a dryspell might be a bit formal but it wouldn't be long and there would be an outpouring, a flood of words from pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. as much as the breakups that guy and i would go through hurt me deeply, i think the worst break-up i’ve ever gone through was the one between me and her. she was more than my best friend. how did i react with the warnings, the 'this has got to change or i’m leaving you' moments? nothing. i did nothing at all. i said nothing. i was numb. i was mute. my hands wouldn't speak. but i could see how this would look to other people, even her. why would i do practically anything to keep the relationship with my boyfriend guy, to somehow make it work again and again, whether it took letters or phone calls, fighting and swearing and crying and begging and pleading and forgiving and driving myself and anyone around me crazy each time, all for this man... and yet when it came to a friendship of over 8 years, i did nothing? how it must have appeared. that i didn't care. or that i didn't care enough. that i felt her not worth the effort to keep this friendship. that i didn't even try. (and admittedly, hadn't been trying for quite some time, neglecting her while caught up in the chaos of my relationship with guy) This may sound strange, but if you were to ask me the greatest loss i ever experienced, now or when i am old, with perhaps guy long gone (he is older than me by 15 years after all) and maybe with children or other family members dead as well, hell, through anything this life will put me through, i know somehow that for a moment, if not longer, the thought will cross my mind of how i lost her, and i won't be able to say anything about those feelings because it would seem ridiculous to anyone to compare or awkward and complicated to explain, but nevertheless, with the dreams and the words and the loss of words, i know that i will feel that way, as I do now, if circumstances remain the same. even if i were to lose someone i couldn't imagine living this life without, i would still think of her as well because i would miss the communication, the invisible shoulder to cry through pen and paper. this is hard for me to explain but i must admit that yes, i still hold on to this hope of redemption, forgiveness, repair... of a note from that traveler on the road, griffin, who says, 'i have a message from (her) for you' and i would weep just as i do in my dreams, happy to die right there because she still loves me. when it comes down to the way i handled the breakup of a friendship most dear to me (the one i thought would last well past our deaths) - i can only sum it up at this time to this... i didn't say anything because i thought you knew... i thought you knew how much i loved you. i should have fought for this but i didn't and i am the one who is sorry. i am sorry everyday. And if you've read this far i want to tell you that i’m so very, very proud of you. I will always deeply admire you and i am thankful for what we did have together. and again, thank you for that comment about keeping the letters... that meant more to me than you could ever know (or maybe you do) but thank you again. i read your online journal, happy for what i can know of your life, sad and sometimes frustrated for all that i am missing, and often wanting to comment but keeping boundaries. I just want you to know this one thing, which is very important so please read at least this far too ------- I thought that Gandalf in that cartoon/live action Lord Of The Rings film was stupid too - like, what's with the twirling like a friggin' fairy, sprinkly magic dust and all? That was soooo not Tolkien, eh? I remember that when I watched it as a kid it gave me nightmares. I even became afraid of the puzzles dad bought me when I was a kid that were based on the movie ::shivers::: M'kay. Well. I'm gonna end this ramble rant... anytime now... thank you for listening... don't let me/this upset you... just know that i had to share how i feel with you... i miss you. // George.

{as i typed all that above, the music playing on my boombox was Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here' and then 'Wild Horses' by The Rolling Stones - i prefer the cover version by The Sundays, loving that one more most likely because of that episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and that beautiful scene of Tara and Willow dancing, their feet not touching the ground... floating on air.... Buffy rules! (way to end a reflective journal entry, eh?}
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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