goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

more from paper Journal #16

January 12th & 13th, 2003

"I started reading The Journals of Sylvia Plath but I will read more of the book I had been reading prior - Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. There are so many books I would like to read & although I know one lifetime is not enough to read them all, I regret all the time I let pass me by that I could have been reading good books. So much time wasted not reading at all! Aquiring self-discipline would benefit me in so many ways!"

"Dad just said to me over the walkie talkie that the "wind is blowing him around like a dry leaf" - that was a poetic thing to say, eh? He is on his way over with a replacement battery."

wind blowing me around
like a dry leaf

"Staring at the splits & the glossy wetness of the weeping liquid from the openings. It's gonna get worse. It seems that if I do the right thing and go to work everyday, the skin will inevitably get worse. I can't use that as an excuse to avoid work. If I want to make things better, I must go to work every scheduled day & deal with this the best I can. I should get a therapy session appointment soon. I wonder if she'll meet with me here in town even though I didn't show up last time? I need to take better care of my body. I need to exercise more often. Eat properly. Sleep normally. In less than a year I will be 25 years old and I have not accomplished my weight goal - in fact, I am in the same spot. This is not good. I need self-control & self-discipline. And that's all I ever write about again and again. Year after year & dribble after drabble in my stupid journals. Stay in school, kids."

"Sylvia, it isn't right that Ted destroyed your journal - the one with entries written a few days prior to your death, your suicide - was his guilt so unbearable? Did he think himself a protector or doing the right thing? I don't think so. Not when people like myself are left without that last sentence, that last word written before you said, 'no more.'"

"It is not as though I am not aware of the lake, the woods, the places not so far away from here but still too distant for me to walk to or go visit. Sometimes I feel so trapped, so isolated, so shut-in."

"I want it to mean something that Sylvia Plath's journals refers to Alice in Wonderland when I happened to be reading that book (began before I bought this book) several times at the same time - a coincidence that thrills me for a reason I cannot explain."

"Not only do they hurt, but it seems disturbing to me that I should aquire a zit/pimple/blemish one each on my eyebrows - why me? What is this about? Is the answer on the internet? Should I make another pot of tea?"
Tags: relating to sylvia plath

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