goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

"I'm losing my mind, everything's fine!" - from song "Mother, Mother"

I've been here at Dad's since I got off work today. I should go home soon and spend time with my cats, see if I can work out again and go to bed. Yes, I went into work today and put in my 8 hours (double time plus holiday pay, woo hoo!) but I have to admit that there were a few moments where I was going to leave work. I couldn't get this weekend out of my head. Last night's dream didn't help much either....

It took place in the house I grew up in. The one where my step-mother used to kick me around. Anyway, this time my mom was there and she was going after me several times, pushing and shoving and grabbing and slapping me like she did the other night. She was smiling and trying to provoke me as she did as well. The police came, two officers in an undercover car with the red light on top, but when telling them what happened they just laughed - turned out they weren't cops after all. My mom went after me again. I remember different things though too. My dad telling me that Uncle Kenny had died. (Oh my god, they killed Kenny! - inappropriate thing but that's just what I thought of) and I remember Bryan asking if I still had the extra bed set up because he didn't want to stay with her. I guess what brought that on is because I feel concern for him. I mean, this has put him in a bad spot, this situation. I feel sorry for him and I worry for him. So anyway, the dream was very upsetting. I didn't think I'd have a nightmare about it but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It happening in the old house might be a sign that the nightmares are combining somehow...

I have a bruise in the shape of a thumb print on my left arm. It hurts because it's on the muscle. It ached throughout work today. It's quite apparent what it's from. I get bruises often but this one seems to bother me the most, for obvious reasons.

I was thinking about what Mom said about how I didn't take care of the furniture and I keep remembering how she pulled that stereo down the stairs, with the end of it hitting each step on the way down. It made me cringe watching her do that. She said that she wanted to get away from me. The person she phoned to help her didn't come through for her so she moved the stuff on her own. I was going to help more with that stereo but my arm hurt. Found out the next day why when I looked in the mirror.

I managed to work out for 2 hours last night. It helped a little bit. I might work out tonight if I get home early enough.

Guy and I have spoken on the phone yesterday and this evening. We've worked through the recent happening and talked more in depth and we're going to be alright. For that, I am incredibly grateful. I am very much in love with this man. And the more time that goes on, the more I fall. I just wish that we could be together. In the meantime, I will work toward that.

(I worked today!)

Guy was telling me more of what Mom had discussed with him that day in instant messages. Seems that her anger was building. She didn't have many nice things to say about me. She also doesn't seem to know me as well as she thinks she does. One of the things she told Guy was that I don't let go of one guy until I have another. Excuse me? I had 'boyfriends' growing up but my first kiss boyfriend wasn't until I was 17, that was years inbetween my previous boyfriend. And then I only went out with him for 2 months. I didn't hound him after as she said that I do and I became best friends with his new girlfriend. As for after that, my next "boyfriend" was Guy, two years later and we've been together almost 3 years. So ummm, wrong Mother. If anything, I think she was referring to herself. There was a lot of other things said but I will stop going into it. It serves no purpose for me to become bitter about this. I'm sure she'll be bitter enough for the both of us. Seems like she already was, I just didn't know it. A lot of resentment building up. She only lived with me 10 days! I can't believe that! How fast things fall apart, eh?

It's good that I stayed at work. I need to become stronger. I can't let these things get to me to the point where I'm causing further chaos. The best thing I can do is go to work, get my life in order and do well. As for the furniture, though much of it had sentimental value for me (and I loved the comfy chairs, had them in my first apartment when that's all I had to sit on) I will buy new things. And that she can not take away from me. I thought today of how many mothers teach their children strength. My mother is doing that too...
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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