June 5th, 2021

we are all mad

white wedding, start again

Saturday, June 5th, 2021.
11:02pm
I didn't go to bed until late this morning. Or, I slept for a few hours on the floor, on my sleeping bag, in the book nook. I was partially woken when the person who wakes up early in the morning realized I had slept out here with my books and so when I comprehended that I could go to bed, I didn't move initially. I was fine on the floor and I was still sleeping. The part of me that knows a forty-something year old woman might prefer a bed instead got herself up off the floor a couple minutes later and dragged pillows and sleeping bag to the bedroom. I slept from just after five in the morning or so until I woke myself up from a nightmare around 9am. Well, it was a combination of the nightmare and of Chai scratching on cardboard, demanding her sprawl on the bed and what was I doing taking the bed at such odd times?

But the nightmare, whoa! This is the first time I actually used my phone's Notes feature to type out the dream while I was not awake and not yet out of bed.

After I've typed my 750 words for the night, I'll include word for word what I had typed about the dream. It's not that difficult to figure out the connections of it to recent real life occurrences and waking life thoughts and feelings. It's not even subtle, save for some parts of it that were disturbing because of some specific details included in it. I'll comment on it later though, once I've copied the Note. I don't want it messing with the actual amount of words I write.

Backing up through the day, I had another day of network issues with the video game. Couldn't stay in a lobby or a session for very long at all once the later morning hours came about. I wonder if this will be a thing now, during the summer or just in general while so many people are at home online? The lines in this apartment building are old and the internet company has no plans to replace them anytime soon. The issue isn't specifically the internet or even the game or the PlayStation - just a combination of all those things at once, I guess. Frustrating when I would like to continue streaming or even just to partake in some shenanigans. While the streaming didn't stop today and that connection held, being able to buckle myself into a session or a racing lobby was out of the question. Just when I thought I would be alright, I'd suddenly be the only one there. Not much I can do after we'd reset the router multiple times, turned things off and on again, did this and that and turned myself around. Nothing helped.

Since I am able to type my words and use the internet for everything else, I'll just have to find other things to do. I have plenty of other things I can do other than play a video game. But oh! I want to play that video game. Especially when there are people on there that I want to hang out with or to hear them have conversations, enjoy the imaginary racing and sometimes indulge myself with conversation.

That said, while I know it affects the whole thing I had going with continuing to stream, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt for me to divert my attention and energy toward books and other things. I dusted some of my bookcases today. So much dust! This was not an actual cleaning or rearranging because I knew it would not be a good idea to stir all that dust up during the first humid hot heatwave. I did enough to see that my longing to have another bookcase so that I can spread my book collection out is a reasonable idea. More than one of the shelves is buckling a bit from the big hardcover books, collections of letters and journals by prolific writers and thinkers. Hold fast, shelves. Just a while longer.

My birthday is next month. My hair is whiter and I'm thinking of how some highlights or a colour while also wondering, what if I just let my hair do what it wants to do? Or am I just saying that because it's expensive when one has long and thick hair as a woman to get what I'd need done? I like the natural look but I can't help but think perhaps maybe it'd be nice to spruce up a bit?

11:30pm I made it to the daily word goal and have continued the writing streak. Now I can delve into that nightmare I had this morning. First, to explain, I had been dreaming something entirely different before finding myself coming out of an elevator and on to the scene where relatives were gathered and things happened. In fact, the nightmare prior to this was far more terrifying and the like, but it's the fact that just before waking I went into a dream that had such emotional distress in it and such obvious connections to real life that made it worthwhile for me to reach for the phone (no pen and paper by the bedside, shame!) and so here it is, as I first typed it while not yet awake.

9:01am (dream)
End scene crying on knees edge of graveyard with cherry blossoms / supposed to be stadium park for a game -

Last words were she didn’t care when I had breast cancer she wasn’t there and I cried and then people started to understand

But before that, the thing had been - at a hotel, found out last minute mother was getting married again - to Bryan - she wore white

Family was there in hallway heading toward the main hallway which had elevators she was going to take up with him

Someone has just gifted her two tickets to a game (near end of dream when I held them it showed their worth at over 900 dollars total)

I didn’t know she was there or family was or that she was getting married

I was upset

She didn’t even talk to me or speak to me and the family didn’t care that I didn’t know and thought I was overreacting

When she went by after, I got to the elevator and took the tickets and she and everyone were so upset at me

I was arguing how she had never been much of a mother to me - I was in emotional anguish

My mother only cared about the tickets and I was looked down on as a terrible person

In the end, outside, when I finally caught up to have the tickets given back to her, the game would have begun - but that’s when, on my knees as someone got the tickets to her, I said about the c word and fell to my knees - she hadn’t even asked how I was I had said - she knew nothing - she just cared about herself and it hurt

Lots of dream before that and not about her or family - it was just where the nightmare took me at the end

Sudden family gathering -

(Slept after 5:15am to 9am)


When I started typing the dream out, I started from the last scene that happened before waking. I was on a road or sidewalk, a wide one, right outside a cemetery on a bright sunny day. White brick work. Gleaming grey headstones. I wrote cherry blossom trees because I thought of them as cherry blossoms while in the dream but I also lucidly recognized they were like apple or some other kind of tree, other blossoms of a different pink in springtime, like the one across the street that I can see from the bedroom window here. Just a different kind of blossoms but not the cherry blossoms that make all the people lose their minds in my city to go photograph, ya know? In any case, they stood out among the stones. At the far end of that was supposed to be the stadium where the game was going to be at (they would be far more likely to attend a concert if they could, if they even would, than a game but whatever, right? It was a dream) and I was on my knees on the pavement outside of that place.

But before that, the start of the dream - it was a transition from the various nightmares I had been dreaming before any of this. I don't recall any ride in the elevator - just being in it along with one of the people I had been through things in the previous sequences. The door slides open and it's a hallway. It's an end or side hallway like the ones that are sometimes seen in hotels that are built certain ways. It had a window and there was the elevator and then a wall opposite. Family members, relatives on my Mother's side, were there. I believe some potluck spread tables were also there. It was another family gathering I had not been invited to or even told about. Then, that's when I noticed my mother (not at all looking or walking the way she would now and same goes for my step-father) who were the reason why people were there. Apparently, they were getting married again. The fact that she was wearing a white dress was interesting considering in the '80s when she actually married him, I believe she wore a blue dress? I don't remember exactly and I was very young. In any case, they're still in one another's lives right now though they've lived apart and been separated for years. I remember that I was upset that I didn't know.

The tickets. Now, this part was interesting. I mean, to see them given tickets to a game? And for me to be in such "emotional anguish" as I wrote in the dream Note, for me to grab them from her as the other set of elevators were closing - wow. And the judgment of the family on me. And my explaining my why and such while also feeling bad. I said out loud in the dream why and I explained why and no one cared of course but I was feeling such pain about it. To also lend some real life context, I had given them money years ago for them to replace their car windshield and they shortly sent the car to a junk yard after that, likely using the money to get the new car, I don't know, but whatever happened, in real life, they're still indebted to me for that and the money that my step-grandfather had left for me to go to school - not to mention the damage Mother caused to me when she lived with me for a short time and stole the stereo - the only gift I'd received from her Mother - and whatever, who cares, that's just things - clearly I'm hurt over the emotionally disconnected thing.

The tickets were just representative of all the material items and other things she took or received over me.

I was on my knees upset and gut wrenched explaining to the judgemental (distant at heart) family and then we were suddenly outside. By now, I was trying to wake myself up because of the distress I was feeling and the fact that Chai was likely breaking through my sleep wall. Despite how hurt I was, I knew that the tickets would be returned to her and I had the person who had been with me when we opened up onto the family scene go to get the tickets to them. I stayed outside on the ground still explaining myself, distraught, when I mentioned the thing that I don't want to type out because oh that's a bit too real if it were to happen, ya know? It reminds me of that time I told Mother I had that tumor - the one that had been causing me to bleed to death for years - removed when I had my hysterectomy and she casually told me she had cancer before and that's why she had hers removed. Would have been good to know for a few reasons but if you want to be practical and courteous, the fact that I'm her daughter and I could have some of the same medical risks, it would have been nice to know to inform my doctors and specialists, ya know? But anyway, what's done and gone is just that. To be fair, I have no idea about the medical history of my father's birth family either so both ways, I'm in the dark.

But back to the dream nightmare,
I remember seeing the amount on the two tickets. One had 500 something. The other had 400 something. Then I also remember making myself wake up shortly after, wondering if my crying had happened in real life, too.

Sunday, June 6th, 2021.
12:05am
More words to write that I'm not including in my 750 words for the next day because I want to do a session at a time but since I can't add to words from yesterday, I'm typing this out at the end of my post in my online journal.

I wanted to add a few more thoughts about the dream. It wasn't about the money. It wasn't about taking the tickets to have them for myself. I was trying to get Mother's attention, for her to acknowledge me and what I was feeling, and like in real life in past experiences with her, this made sense to do. It did nothing except make me look more like a terrible person but that wasn't the point. The way the family treated me reminds me of that time there was a Thanksgiving dinner - the last one that my Mother's Mother was present for - and I wasn't invited. When I asked why I wasn't told about it, the person who held the dinner said that they thought my Mother would have told me, when really, for one thing, I'm an adult and why not contact me like anyone else and secondly, it's not a secret that my Mother and I don't have a good relationship, or any bit of one, despite attempts to change that throughout my lifetime on my part. Anyway, I missed out on that last big family photo and of course that hurt. I've been left out of most every kind of family thing really - from all the parental unit's sides. Every parent I ever had has been so wrapped up in themselves that they did a great job at forgetting the part where I existed and was a human being that needed them, specifically assigned to their care.

But that's okay. I'm an adult and I own my choices and have done so for a long time now. But damned if it don't hurt that they've managed to be terrible at this for most of my life so far.

By coincidental happenstance, my Dad called earlier this evening. I kept the call brief because the last one was abusive and I can't handle that on top of the ongoing grief I'm feeling regarding him and the circumstances. But he called earlier this evening to let me know the neighbour above his apartment had finally moved out. Thanks for keeping me in the loop on that Dad. Yes, I'm still going to answer the phone when you call even after you're hurtful. I'd even answer my Mother, probably, depending on what was going on.

But yeah, the morning began with the Mother dream (was it my Dad who gave them the tickets in the dream? I wouldn't be surprised. Money he doesn't have to more people who have taken advantage of him while neglecting to care for what matters more) and so that dream was the start of the day and the disconnect continued throughout the rest of it, resulting in this after midnight add-on to a journal post that was already long enough.

There is a cool breeze coming in from the south, from across the lake and through one side of the apartment. The living room area is hot though. The cats are all quiet, sleeping, settled down, sprawled. I'm listening to traffic on the highway down below. Glance up over the computer to see the lights of the city skyline shimmering, like they're pulsating when they're not - it's the heat - and I'm listening to a small fan on a table next to my desk.

I took the evening anxiety meds and I feel sleepy now. Probably doesn't help that I didn't nap this afternoon when I had hoped to and yet I don't want to go to bed. I like this time where the place feels like it's to myself. Where it feels calm. The other human's stress mess isn't messing with my bubble and I can relax a bit. I miss having more time alone. I mean, where I don't feel alone with another person but where I get to experience the solitude that makes me feel more like me.

In conclusion, I'm missing Peppermint Essential Oil. I haven't been able to buy some for about a month and I'm getting by on what little is left that I can drip from the little bottles. It's not the same as feeling more free to put some in my hair, along my collarbone, on my wrists, between my tits, really, just anywhere. I don't know that I would go back to perfumes again (unless spoiled in some different life for some reason) when a simple Peppermint Essential Oil (maybe a vanilla one would be delicious, too) suits me so well.

With that, I should shut up now. Save some words for later tonight when I write.