April 26th, 2018

alice directions

a more tangible life

Wednesday, April 25th, 2018.
I'm not going to write this post the same way as I've been writing other ones.

It's been difficult to approach the blank screen, the blinking cursor, this specific outlet.
On the one hand, I think it's good that I'm using the computer less often, changing the
way I use social media (slightly, sometimes) and trying to live a more tangible life.

I can't deny how I miss being able to post to my LiveJournal and share whatever was
on my mind. I miss writing what I was thinking and feeling in the moment and the
ability to go on tangents of description, to type out dreams, to feel open and how it
connected me with other people online. How it also let some people feel closer to me
no matter the distance - and for me too - the way words opened a window, a door -

a door I can't seem to open without great effort - more so as time goes on.

The internet has changed. It will continue to change. I was always aware of this.
I liked that about it. But now, as the years have passed, how the way we use social
media is changing us - realizing it is a choice always in the way one utilizes tools -
and the internet is a tool - but feeling the toll of years - the way the world is now.

I haven't stopped using various platforms (though FB and I continue to have an off
again / on briefly / off again relationship) and I am unlikely to ever stop using social
media or being interested in it. My interests haven't changed in regards to vlogging,
photography, writing and learning. I don't go a day without accessing the internet.
But I have noticed a difference. I think it comes from a multitude of factors and the
impact of taking in so much information on a daily basis. The influence of influencers.

The heaviness of all that's going on that one can see in real time and the immediate
reactions - how I find myself going silent online about it all even as I discuss these
matters offline. I am more weary and more wary. I did not grow up with the internet
but I have grown up with it in my life since I was 19. I am not 19 anymore. I'm still
learning but I have learned a lot - or enough - to know that it is not emotionally
sustainable to consume online content the way that I have and take care of my
well-being at the same time. How can I even share who I am now if I can't be
who I am - if my life is lived mostly through online curating for who? for what?

I want to write. I want to continue to express myself and to have this outlet,
this means of expression. I've been writing in my paper journal and I am so
grateful I've had the compulsion to put pen to paper - but I know that after
all these years, the same need to document my life with video and photos is
not to be discounted as valid simply because it doesn't have popularity or an
audience. I have always done this for me and I forget that when I give too
much of my time over to scrolling timelines and feeds and subscriptions
and liking this and faving that without honouring my own time for self-
expression / self-care / giving watch time to my self in real time, IRL.

I've been through a lot. Some of it is documented online, some of it isn't.

I know that when I do post or share something, I want it to be authentic.
Not hashtag authentic but truly real and representative of what I feel or
see or want to share of what I am experiencing in that moment in time,
knowing it isn't fully representative of my life but a snapshot, a moment.
I don't do it for attention or to subtweet or to hurt anyone. I do it for me.
I'm not trying to impress anyone (though I won't deny that if someone is
impressed at all by anything I have posted on the internet, if my words or
pictures mean anything at all to people, thank you) but I do not want to
be posting for validation. I can only validate myself. This is something I
will hopefully learn how to do in time but honestly, I don't know if I will.

When I don't post to my online journal, I miss it. I miss this way of writing.
I miss the outlet. I miss myself. I feel similarly (though more so) about my
paper journal. I think there are other people who can relate to this. Same for
those who compulsively take photos of their daily life, who share their lives
with vlogs and videos, who are expressing themselves, saying "I was/am here."

I started this LJ in April 2001. All that has happened since then & before.
Everything now. All that might yet occur. I am amazed. And I'm still here.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
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