September 29th, 2016

alice is frustrated

TMI because this is my journal, after all.

Thursday, September 29th, 2016.
It may have been noticed that I took a break from writing for a few days. Some of those days were lost for me in sleeping - nightmares and dreams and crash naps, oh my! I haven't had a consistent schedule and I can never know when I'm going to have a "good" day or not. I wanted so badly to be awake in the evening the other day to watch 'The Last Man on Earth' with husband - there was no feeling of depression or anything like that - and I'd slept much of the day away (with washroom breaks, pet the cats and make sure they had food & water, back to bed again, weary) - so there should have been no reason why I couldn't stay up. It was upsetting for me but my body was making me go back to bed. It wasn't a feeling of depression. I've not been well. It could be from the adjustment of my body after taking out the i.u.d. and my body not being happy about whatever is going on down there. I had an increase / flare-up in cysts on breast (you can't see them - they are underneath on the heavy curve of them, last night radiating a heat most feverish) and that tends to drain me in more ways than one, exhausting me and knocking me down for the count, as it is some infection of sorts trying to work itself out.

With that and the situation going on down below that is leading up to this hysterectomy surgery, I can only hope that things will improve immensely after I get through the recovery. It has to, right? I mean, I can't be this tired and sore and achy and have the other symptoms, then go through the surgery in October and the recovery from it and not end up feeling better, right? My quality of life should improve, yes? I can't regret getting the i.u.d. removed earlier this month because it was just a bandaid that should have been removed a year or so ago. It was a temporary fix and not even that for the problem - just a stemming of the more immediate health concerns known at the time - which was the excessive bleeding leading to anemia and the required blood transfusions. It didn't actually make me feel better or improve other things connected to whatever is going on with my uterus and it's majestic complexities that are beyond my comprehension.

Yes, I'm ready for it to come out but I'm also scared. The upcoming ultrasound will hopefully show a go ahead for the surgery but if there is something seen that can complicate things, this fear I have that there is more going on that hasn't been tended to due to my putting off of getting this followed through on - well, I'm feeling concerned. There is more than one way to have a hysterectomy and I don't know which way they're going to do mine and again, it depends on what the complications might be with what is seen to be going on in there with the fibroid and cysts - if they're there or what size they are or what they may have grown attached to and just thinking about it all on top of how I feel about going under does not help me be calm. I know that this surgery has often made an immense improvement to the quality of life for many women - even those who have a complicated, painful and lengthy recovery - many are so grateful they got it done and wish they'd done it sooner. I need to keep that in mind.

The other thing that has happened is that my doctor's office had to delay the pre-op physical until two days before the scheduled surgery. AH! At least their office can fax the required sheet over to the gyno specialist at the hospital that same day the required form is filled out but it's cutting it close. It couldn't be helped because he was ill and needed time off. There are also likely other patients that are scheduled for various things or have immediate more pressing health matters that need to be seen more urgently and my appointment is just part of the pre-op procedure. The upcoming ultrasound and follow up pre-op with the gyno* are the most important appointments otherwise as that's when I'm likely to find out if the surgery is a go ahead for the middle of October.

* edited to add: spoke with gyno office and the pre-op isn't with the gyno but just a pre-op appointment at the hospital for the surgery one week before the operation. I wonder what will happen regarding the ultrasound results then? will they be the ones to speak with me about it or to tell me whether or not the surgery is a go? at least i phoned for clarification of the appointments or else i would have been at the wrong place. also, did i mention this has me quite nervous?

Oh, October! You were my favourite month but you're not looking so great this year. I am missing out on a wedding at the end of the month because we need to save husband's vacation days for at least my first week back home after surgery. Then there's the fact I probably won't be feeling that well for awhile (likely the rest of October and into November, and that's minimizing it) and so I won't get to see much of my favourite season. I'm missing out (again) on Nuit Blanche in Toronto this weekend. I wanted to go so badly! I also won't be able to attend Canzine this year at the end of October. Like I said, October isn't looking too good. Oh, and there's surgery. The removal of my uterus and who knows what else.

I complained this entire post but this is what's on my mind at the moment. One of the things on my mind.

Could the police stop shooting first and evading questions later? I can't even look anymore - which doesn't do anything to help the problem but I'm living in a small city in Canada with rural area surrounding it and it feels very far away from the streets where people are being gunned down for things we would never even think of anyone in our daily lives of being killed for, as though it were okay. It's not okay.