February 4th, 2013

you will have to save yourself

or, who we wish we could be

04 February 2013

9:45pm -
I haven't taken a self portrait for today. No inspiration whatsoever and for days now, I've felt far too self-conscious about my weight / appearance / EVERYTHING ABOUT ME to think of anything I'd want to take a picture of when it comes to my self. It's not as if I've been creating photographic art so what does it matter if I just take a few minutes to snap off a shot or two and get it over with for the day? I don't want to kill the streak - over a month and counting - and since there are hundreds of days to go to finish off the year, I'd feel silly if I ruined it all because of today - especially when I'm likely to feel this way over and over again and again. Like anything I want to do in life, putting things off until I reach some specific desired level of acceptability is not the way to go about my existence. Did I ever stop to think that maybe it's in the doing of these days daily despite how I feel about myself that, in the long-run, will bring about the changes in myself that I so long for? Since I put it that way, I suppose I could go get that photo out of the way.

9:55pm - There, I did it. 365 Days photo? Check. Steady on? Check.

365 Days (2013): Day 35
365 Days (2013): Day 35

10:10pm - Actually kind of pleased with today's photo. It's ironic, right?
Or does that word not mean what I think it means?

10:17pm - This is another one of those "it's difficult to write" days, too. I should have started earlier in the evening so that I'd have more time to sludge through this mush (that is, my brain) and see if I could write something with the slightest of substance. Alas, it's going to be slow going tonight. I can feel it. I'm gritting my teeth. I'm trying to think of other things I could do. My earache is bothering me all the more because I'm feeling irritated in general. I'm wondering what the ear specialist will make of it next week. If my ear keeps feeling as it does right now, I could end up with another inflammation to possible infection by the time I have my appointment. Will that make their job easier or not? I'd requested to see a specialist before it was bothering me only because I knew I'd been having difficulties in recent years and I'd like to know if I have long-term hearing loss or not. I am guessing that antibiotics will be prescribed and the testing I'd like for hearing will be put on hold - that is, if I am having a problem in less than a week's time. Ugh, writing about health problems. Which one do I pick today? How boring. I definitely need to find other things to do. I'm trying, really, what with this writing challenge and the photo one and I'm even thinking of upgrading some high school credits (next month?) and and and --- ah, I don't want to be complaining about this or that. I'm in the midst of trying very much to turn things up to a more positive frequency. Some people make it look so easy, eh?

10:30pm - When I was typing at the dining room table last night I was listening to my itunes library (as I often do whenever I have my netbook on) and the song 'waste of time' by graydon james & the young novelists caught my ear (the one that's not in aching pulsating pain) and then in a monthly newsletter they put out, that's one of the videos they included via a youtube link! Serendipity? Or a delightful coincidence? I remember how I sang the lyrics to the Lion cat with such sincerity. Because that's what cat people do.

"and change is just a product of regret / and so i've changed and i'm not finished yet / but i can't change the past / and i can't change your mind / i can only pray / i'm not a waste of time."
- graydon james & the young novelists

waste of time [Link]

10:44pm - I remember when I used to compose online journal entries around whatever songs were moving me most particularly at the time. Inspired by a song and the lyrics, my own experiences would be written in between stanzas of verse. That is one example of how music can move us, how a song can be taken out of the originator's hand and taken in by the listener, woven into their own life. We often incorporate what moves us into ourselves, don't we? When it comes from something beautiful, it is a work of art we've added to the collection of our memory and to who we are - who we wish we could be.

10:56pm - Today makes four days in a row that I met my 750 words goal.