August 22nd, 2011

alice reflection

paper journals & the ghost of sylvia

Tuesday, August 16th, 2011.
2:22am / Paper Journal Chat:
I'm getting through Journal #28. There's always that restless eagerness to crack a new paper journal once I make it over half way through the present one. This particular journal had mention of the blood transfusion, the death of my beloved Hagrid cat, some dating adventures and some scandal that I won't write about here (save it for the memoir?) - I'm ready to start another journal. I would like a better way to store them - either a shelf is needed specifically for them or some baskets of some sort? Where I have them at the moment just isn't practical and I'll run out of room soon anyway what with how I've been writing every day (just about) for over a year now. If I keep up at this rate, I'll be filling many more journals in quicker time. The more books of published diaries and journals that I collect, the more validated I feel with my indulgence of this ritual. I wouldn't want to read any of my personal journals any time soon (not even recent ones and certainly not the ones from when I was 11 onward!) but I'm sure, in time, they will have some purpose, if but to show I was here. I'd like them to be submitted to the archives after my death. I can't think of anyone else who'd want them and at this time I have no one in my life who'd care enough to consider my egotistical wish to leave some sort of legacy, a trace of this life I've lived (or not lived well enough).

Rambling About Reading: I've a few books on the go and I bought more (discounts at Book City!) and my attention is divided between three books at the moment. I've got to FOCUS, dammit! One book is a collection of Canadian poetry, another is 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' and then there's a book about Assia Wevill - the woman who married Ted Hughes after the poet Sylvia Plath. Ah, yes, my obsession with Sylvia & Ted... I got into that in my '20s (the suicide years!) and I still get a kick of of the fact I purchased Ted's book 'Birthday Letters' in hardcover for TWO DOLLARS in a small town -- I didn't know what a fantastic find that would be and how it would swim me into the depths of such a real life love tragedy. I suppose it's about time I learn more about the second wife and her life as I've surely read quite a lot about Ted & Sylvia. Time to read the other woman's perspective. I wonder about Ted. I know he died a few years ago and many people hate him because of Sylvia committing suicide and then Assia doing the same thing (though there seems to be less pity for her) but I once held his entire collected poems in my hand - a huge book at a hefty price - and I forgave him. He had to live with the loves and losses, his choices and all of it - the consequences of it all ghosted him to his grave. We like to believe we prefer happily ever after endings but the obsession with this triangle of lovers shows that mayhaps we don't.