February 20th, 2010

alice lost in labyrinth

poem: I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

My first attempt at a poem written specifically for spoken word / slam poetry.



I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Now I know I'm not the first 30-something to admit that.
Not even the first one to say it on the page or stage or wherever
these thoughts are being transmitted to - you - there, yeah, you:

do you know what you're doing? are you one of the lucky few
that's got it all figured out? you've got your shit together. you
know where it's at. you've been there, done that. you've got
my number (well, probably not but if you do, why haven't you
called or texted me or something? I want to hear from you) but

realistically, most of us have no idea what's going on here, eh?

Collectively, we either don't want to know or we've known before
& found out we were completely wrong and damn didn't that hurt
& so sometimes it feels better not to know. hey, maybe you're in
that fleeting blissful place of not knowing. floating in the unknown.
you're feeling the happy & purposely pushing out of mind the fact ---

you know this has to end sometime.

Look, i don't mean to be a downer but i've been alive just long
enough to realize that just when i think i know exactly what's
what, the what is going to kick my ass & show me i'm not boss.

Not that i want to be the boss of anything but there is something
to be said for feeling like you know you've made the right decision,
the difficult but better for all involved long-term gut-twisting decision,
the took a chance on me/ she/ he/ them/ it (what?) well, let's say you
really thought things through and you did what you had to do.

(what if you realize the end result is never up to you?)

There's this quote, "The thing always happens that you really
believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen." It's by
Frank Lloyd Wright who was a brilliant architect but I didn't
know him for that. I heard of him when Simon & Garfunkel
sang "so long" so sweetly, that album I still spin it occasionally.

When I first heard that song I didn't know who Frank was but I
missed him too. You'd think that learning later on that he was a
successful, creative, genius of sorts would make me believe him
when he says, "The thing always happens that you really believe
in..." but from my experience, either I'm always believing that

nothing I truly want is ever going to work out for me (at least not
for long) OR that what's happening to me is what I believe I deserve
OR that I'm supposed to learn things the hard way OR maybe it is
that no matter how many affirmation positive 'believing in yourself'
quotations I collect and read: it's not really going to change me.

I mean, come on now, I'm thirty.

(something)

& I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

- adp, 20 February 2010
alice facepalm

Belief

[When I was a kid, I BELIEVED that if I thought something would happen, it would be guaranteed NOT to happen, and if I thought something couldn't or shouldn't happen, it was much more likely to occur than before. And I tried to trick things into happening by thinking the opposite of what I wanted to be the case, but it resulted in a kind of fatalistic worldview because I knew it didn't count to try to fool the universe, and my true opinion was still in my head and thus warped my intention.] - faery_fall



personal note: This is exactly how my brain still works today.