May 11th, 2009

alice lost in labyrinth

this kind of girl

One thing connected to another today and I figured something out.

When we had been laying in bed that time - his hand touching my leg or rubbing along the side of me, over my hips, brushed alongside the curve of my breasts - this, after sex, now a rare moment of talking & sharing - he warned me to be careful out there, that I tend to be naive, gullible, easily manipulated by people because of the way I am - so trusting, so wide-eyed hopeful, so small town girl at times - he wasn't warning me about other people but secretly confessing that he was doing it to me, himself.

Silly, silly girl. I'm not likely to be able to change this though. I'm thirty years old. I've been involved in a couple serious long-term relationships since I was nineteen and seeing as how the first one didn't teach me well enough to not fall in so deep to the second one, well, I can't see stopping myself from doing it again.

"i will use you how ever i want
& you will take what i give you
& how i give it to you, understand?"


I love my passion raw, dirty, explicit. And love, the same.

Someday, I'll meet someone who is strong enough to not only dish it, but take it and hold on to it as well. Someone who can love me as hard as they can fuck. Stronger the man he'd be if he manages to embrace and hold the softer parts of me - the fragile parts I willingly offered him on my knees - and manage to keep me in his arms despite the pieces, the sharp glass.

If I think about the things I should have known at the time, I let go & learn more. I realize that what I was tied to was something not representative of anything that actually existed. I can feel relief in knowing that even though I was naive, too trusting, gullible, a fool - it was from a pure place of feeling, of passion, of love. I'll not regret that.

Be happy, grateful, glad that you could take me when you did. Moreso, that I let you have me, as much as you wanted, and more. You're not likely to experience this kind of girl again*. The kind that can take it hard and love the pieces of you harder still.


you can't be what someone wants when they want nothing.
(loving them is too much)


* realizing that this is probably a good thing & vice versa.