October 11th, 2007

alice lost in labyrinth


You Do It To Yourself, Just You, And That’s What Really Hurts

“The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one's self.” - Phillip James Bailey

I have been thieving myself for some time now.

I’ve stolen directly, from my personal account, the things I need to progress in life, to make my life all it might possibly be. I’ve been doing this for years. If it were an illegal act to sabotage one’s efforts at every turn, then I would be in prison for life.

In reality, I have been imprisoned – by myself, no less. I’ve been locked away from the world with my own master key and done my utmost best to remain in isolation, even, to the point, of actually being institutionalized. When it comes to harmful and heartbreaking acts, as an adult, I have done most all of them to myself.

That’s not to say that my crime hasn’t affected other people. In fact, I’ve only recently fully realized the impact this has had on those who love me or have cared for me, and even acquaintances that I interact with in the workplace or at school have not gone untouched by my self-inflicting hand. In denying myself participation, I’ve denied them the chance to know me, to be part of my life, and for me to be a part of theirs.

In not allowing myself to participate in life to the fullest, in feeling that I am unworthy of accomplishing my goals and following through with activities that bring me a sense of achievement and happiness, I’ve committed one of the worst acts that I possibly could.

I’ve lost so much time in wasteful self-loathing, in denying myself the opportunities that have come my way. Even during times of great distress, I would not accept the hands of friendship or help extended to me, or, I would simply let go when it seemed too hard to hold on – to anyone or anything. Often, I would give up without the bother of putting forth the effort that I know is within me to succeed. This underlying feeling of being undeserving has not only denied me a fuller life, but has hurt those who have stood by me time and time again, only for all of us to fall back in continual disappointment.

A most recent example would relate to school. Here I am in my final credit course toward attaining my high school diploma, (which is something that I have desperately wanted for at least ten years) and if I do manage to earn the credit, it will be just barely, with a mark that will be far below my potential. It’s as though my inner thief knows that I am so very close to accomplishing something important to me and wants to steal away this opportunity to succeed.

Although it seems I have separated myself from my crimes, I am now learning that I’m the only one who can take responsibility for my criminal ways. I am worthy of accomplishments and the only one to account for my own personal success and failures.
alice lost in labyrinth

{microblog} 05 September 2007 to 11 October 2007

05 September 2007 to 11 October 2007

Tues: 'Sex & the City' w/Gwen, eating her yummy curry, drinking Cosmos, cookie dough ice cream. Tonight: talking w/Jeremy &then (aw!) Cliph.
11:36 PM September 05, 2007 from Twadget

Just finished exercising for an hour. Going to shower, get dressed and run out the door to walk to school for my first day back of the term.
07:40 AM September 06, 2007 from Twadget

I'm awake early on purpose. I want to get myself into the habit of exercising before school @ the start of the day before I lose ambition.
04:58 AM September 07, 2007 from Twadget

two days in a row -that's a start- another 1 hour of exercise -going to dress & walk to class. It's supposed to be hot, humid & rain today.
08:12 AM September 07, 2007 from Twadget

Yesterday wasn't as humid as I expected it to be & there was a strong (lovely) breeze & today will be a good day to get my laundry done.
10:18 AM September 08, 2007 from Twadget

Turns out I'll have to wait around the house as Dad's going to have things dropped over by my Uncle sometime today. Laundromat later, d'oh.
10:35 AM September 08, 2007 from Twadget

The overhead livingroom fan was fixed today. Didn't get my laundry done; slept a lot. Sunday I'll go rain or shine. Today was a day of rest.
11:00 PM September 08, 2007 from Twadget

So... I didn't make it to the laundromat today. It was raining & I slept a lot & I can do it tomorrow after my morning class. Lazy Sunday. ?
06:32 PM September 09, 2007 from Twadget

I don't have to make excuses to you or anyone! If I want to do nothing with my weekend, that's my choice! I don't have to answer to anybody!
06:34 PM September 09, 2007 from Twadget

Of course, it sure would have been nice to get that sort of thing out of the way, seeing as how this week looks like it's going to be busy.
06:35 PM September 09, 2007 from Twadget

I'm craving hummus sandwiches.
06:35 PM September 09, 2007 from Twadget

I have chills watching a live broadcast from Washington re: the US Iraq Strategy. It's incredible to hear the truth for once.
12:58 PM September 10, 2007 from Twadget

Not that it matters. Bush will do as Bush does, regardless of what the majority of the public (or world) wants.
01:00 PM September 10, 2007 from Twadget

It offends me now to hear 'September 11th' used as a tool to continue on with a disastrous war. How many 11th's = every day everywhere else?
01:09 PM September 10, 2007 from Twadget

Back from the laundromat - took the hiking pack. A good day is change left over after the clothes are clean & reading that passes the time.
05:14 PM September 10, 2007 from Twadget

There are times when I attempt to express myself artistically or believe I can perhaps convey some emotions in an abstract way, but I fail.
04:40 PM September 11, 2007 from Twadget

Back from my 1st session of Reiki - First Degree - it was fantastic. My bicycle ride home was cold autumn air - fast tires on smooth cement.
09:16 PM September 12, 2007 from Twadget

I'm in my first ever college class. (Finally, eh?) I got here way too early & wrote in my paper journal for a bit. I'm writing again, wow!
08:12 PM September 13, 2007 from web

Testing new phone.
09:02 PM September 15, 2007 from txt

Catching part of documentary called Alive Day Memories: Home From Iraq - one third of injured come back with brain injuries.
12:47 PM September 18, 2007 from txt

Exhausted mentally. Going to have a nap before I get ready for tonight's Tai Chi class. Oh, and I need to study for my test sometime, too.
02:51 PM September 18, 2007 from Twadget

I'm leaving now to how long it will take me to walk to the college from here. Slept a little in between mobile beeps. Dream of cousin Toni.
04:54 PM September 18, 2007 from Twadget

I made it to the college and I'm early. Now I have an estimate of my time, give or take a few minutes of dawdling and alternate routes.
06:22 PM September 18, 2007 from txt

I need to remember to restrict my Twittering to 140 characters! I'm here half an hour early. I could read or text people.
06:35 PM September 18, 2007 from txt

Done first session of Tai Chi. Knew I'd love it. Feet sore from walk here - might take longer to get home.
08:42 PM September 18, 2007 from txt

Off to Reiki class. Was able to practice a treatment with a partner (Heather) on Sunday but neglected to practice on myself. stilllearning
06:12 PM September 19, 2007 from Twadget

If only I would make it click in my mind about how simple it is to be. I'm so far out in search of balance - I've no footing to be still...
04:10 PM September 20, 2007 from Twadget

Sitting @ the computer in a college class for 'Microsoft Office Essentials' --- hoping that I'm able to 'get' the essentials when it's done.
06:29 PM September 20, 2007 from web

Class is over (although the instructor is going over instructions for saving our work online) & I'm going to ride my bicycle home.
09:31 PM September 20, 2007 from web

My status on Facebook last night was, "Amber Dawn Pullin is wondering why people connect if they don't want to make a connection." Dig it?
08:28 AM September 21, 2007 from Twadget

In English class. Next term I'll do full days while continuing to take the two night classes during the week @ the college. Work Harder.
09:45 AM September 21, 2007 from web

I need to build myself up to a greater tolerance level (while hopefully getting anxiety to settle) so I'll do well in January @full college.
09:46 AM September 21, 2007 from web

This weekend I will attempt to catch up on some ho0mework assignments. I've missed classes & yet got only 3 wrong on Unit 1 test. No excuse.
09:49 AM September 21, 2007 from web

Is it the end of the month yet? Despite things keeping me busy, all I can think about is being in Toronto. Train, subway, streetcar, Cliff.
09:53 AM September 21, 2007 from web

I sorted through old clothes & various things into bags & boxes for either donation or the trash. This kept me busy along with Cliph online.
04:41 AM September 23, 2007 from Twadget

My bedroom is ever so much better now that I've rid it of bags of old clothes. Boxes of books & random things, gone, donated. Ah, lightness!
08:11 PM September 23, 2007 from Twadget

[...] an increasingly popular setting for horror movies and thrillers, perhaps in response to the real-life images of the U.S. war in Iraq.
11:58 AM September 24, 2007 from Twadget

Home from 2nd class of Tai Chi. I am thankful that I'm finally able to learn from a teacher, in person. So much to learn. It's so beautiful.
09:16 PM September 25, 2007 from Twadget

I'm learning more than just the moves. I'm learning history, self-defense, balance, about my body, patience, practice, acceptance, movement.
09:18 PM September 25, 2007 from Twadget

On Monday night, I attended a meditation group and it was also very good for me. I hope to continue with the group after their 2 week break.
09:20 PM September 25, 2007 from Twadget

On Monday afternoon, I went to group therapy which is a self-esteem workshop. I mentally know all the stuff, it's just a matter of practice.
09:22 PM September 25, 2007 from Twadget

Going to Toronto to see Cliph (& the 'Nuit Blanche' events). Be back Sunday. I'm more nervous this time than the previous visit! excitedtoo.
02:01 PM September 28, 2007 from Twadget

I'm in Toronto. I've been here since yesterday. I'm a lucky girl.
01:10 PM September 29, 2007 from twitterrific

Twitter wants me to say what I'm doing but I doubt it wants the details. In bed w/Cliff &discussing brunch.
01:14 PM September 30, 2007 from txt

Home, finally.
05:02 PM October 01, 2007 from txt

One day she'll go... I told you so... - elliott smith
05:03 PM October 04, 2007 from Twadget

I'm in my evening computer class (office computer essentials) & feeling a bit sore / out of sorts but I'm here. (I live too much in my head)
07:29 PM October 04, 2007 from web

I find the night air exhilerating when I'm on my bicycle moving fast... i wonder if it only SEEMS as though I peddle faster, smoother, easy?
09:59 PM October 04, 2007 from Twadget

I just finished writing a test in English & organized a stack of assignments (that are overdue) which I intend to put effort into this week.
10:49 AM October 09, 2007 from web

I've not been sleeping right or feeling well but I'm here. When I get home I'll have a nap so that I can be fresh for Tai Chi class tonight
10:50 AM October 09, 2007 from web

To get myself into some sort of routine would be a good thing. One that can discipline me for health, creativity, getting things done. Idea.
10:56 AM October 09, 2007 from web

I'm looking forward to being with Cliff this weekend (3 more days!) & being in Toronto again. We're going to try to do this every two weeks.
11:05 AM October 09, 2007 from web

I got PERFECT on my English test today. Must complete assignments to pass this course and not sabotage this chance at earning this credit.
11:38 AM October 09, 2007 from web

Although my day was all off kilter & I felt unrested & blah, I went to Tai Chi! I was only a couple minutes late & I'm so glad I went. love.
09:06 PM October 09, 2007 from Twadget

My bicycle riding speedtime has increased. I was running behind all day today & yet I arrived almost on time for everything. Go speed racer!
09:08 PM October 09, 2007 from Twadget

Moved my desk (the livingroom is rearranged). Tacked up CDBrewster's paintings on the wall behind me. I feel better w/o my back to the room.
05:46 PM October 10, 2007 from Twadget

1 more sleep and then I'll be in Toronto visiting Cliff again, yay! We're even going out on a date, ooo! & yes, we're doing well together...
07:19 AM October 11, 2007 from web

I slept very well last night. I only hit the snooze once. Yesterday started feeling like Autumn. It was too hot last week and now it's cold.
07:20 AM October 11, 2007 from web