February 18th, 2007

we are all mad

(don't) ask me anything (anymore)

I've decided not to do 'ask me anything' - obsessing over my answers was spinning me a bit o.c.d. - and so I've deleted the related entries. I was satisfied with a few of my answers so here they are, selectively saved for posterity. I know, I know - I don't play fair at all.

From: uncle_buck_ca
1 - why are you always putting yourself down?
I've taken a beating over the years in more ways than one and my emotional development, including how I perceive myself, is rather stunted, distorted and screwed up. Sometimes it's just a bit of self-deprecating humor, other times it's a dangerously sad and unnecessary punishment of self. To reply in detail would involve delving into things of my past that I'd rather not at this particular time, but I do appreciate the question for one reason - on a conscious level, I realize there is no need to put myself down so much.

By the way, I didn't like that question at all but I get asked it quite a lot.

2 - when are you happiest?
Going for a walk alone when there is a full moon and looking up at it - feeling pure joy & renewal. Swingsets! Happening upon worn pathways through the city. Laying beneath the old willow tree. Moments where I truly feel like I'm connecting with another on whatever level it may happen to be. Laughing with someone so much it hurts.

3 - what do you like least about yourself?
I'm a terrible procrastinator and I suck on the follow through which inevitably leads to not only letting myself down, but those I care about as well. The way I hold myself back. How I deny my own inner strength and will.

Yes, I could go on & on about my physical appearance in response to this question (my weight, my teeth, my this, my that) but I will spare you, seeing as how it's evident that I have an unhealthy relationship with my body image.

4 - what do you want to accomplish that you have not yet done?
Nearly everything on my to-do list.

5 - what do you like most about yourself?
I like to learn and am open to differences of opinion. I try to understand where other people are coming from and I'm able to empathize with opposing beliefs to my own. If I am wrong about something, I will freely admit it once realization has set in on my part. Despite my lack of education and poor decisions from time to time, I'm actually a smart girl overall.

From: loscha
e i] if you could have any book in the whole world, the most special first edition, or signed by the author what would it be?
This was a very difficult question because I like so many books. AiW? LOTR? Tao Te Ching? The Bible?

e ii] if you could read the raw unedited manuscripts of any book or poem , what would it be?
Sylvia Plath's Journals - every single one of them, before she died, before they were edited and / or destroyed. Raw is the perfectly applicable word when it comes to Plath's journals.

From: gryffyn
1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I don't know. I used to know what I wanted to be as I was growing up, and even as I changed my mind over the years, I still had some ideas. At the moment though, I'm on pause when it comes to ambition.

* After watching 'Dirty Dancing' on tv when I was 10 years old, I wanted to be a dancer. This was before I grew breasts and gratuitous amounts of fat. I stil love to dance, alone, in my living room, in the dark.
* There was a time when I wanted to be in the service of the church - the salvation army - and serve as a captain's wife (since, at the time, they didn't allow women to be captains on their own, which I thought was stupid but understood that it was part of the church doctrine). Even as a young child, I used to hold sermons with my stuffed animals. Although my religious beliefs have changed dramatically, when I'm passionate about something I believe in, I've a tendency to get a bit preachy.
* I always liked to write and read books from very early on. I liked writing creative stories, especially in grade school. When I was 11 years old, I started keeping diaries & journals. Unfortunately, for some reason, I deny myself the enjoyment of this wholesome pleasure.
* From an early age, I wanted to be a writer. I didn't even think of it as 'being a writer' - I was just always writing. Like reading, it was as much a part of me as breathing. In recent years, it's as though I've been purposely holding my breath - trying to see how long I can go without air.
* I also liked to sing. When I was a kid, I would sing myself to sleep. I sang in choirs in school and whatever churches I attended and then in high school I participated in a 12 person vocal Jazz ensemble. I'm an alto, by the way, and very much out of practice. For a brief time, in high school, I considered taking it further after high school but there was that bit of stage fright going on (despite my solos!), along with a lack of confidence (and financial resources) that held me back. I used to have this dream of being able to sing a duet with Frank Sinatra, ha! To add to my crushing disappointment, he died.
* In grade 7 or 8, I decided that I wanted to be a Journalist, to work for a newspaper. Before the end of high school (my first time around) I had decided for certain that I would be a Journalist - specifically, an Investigative Journalist. Years later, I decided the media was far too manipulated by business interests and that it wasn't the path for me. Although I still like to ask questions, research stuff and remain as annoying inquisitive as ever, I don't want to be a professional journalist anymore. Anyway, in grade eleven, I was all set to graduate early and head off to Humber College in Toronto, Ontario.
* Didn't happen.
* For various reasons, I ended up working in a factory for 10+ years instead manufacturing fluid brakelines systems. I was living on my own at 17 years old. It was to be a summer job to help with finances due to coming from a practically non-existent income family situation.
* While working at the factory, I developed an interest in union-related activism. For a time, I was an elected representative for my shift. I wrote articles and attended rallys and developed a socially conscious awareness about not only worker's issues, but worldwide issues as well. I considered pursuing a career in Labour Law.
* I don't regret this twist of fate, this turn in the path, not entirely. I learned far too much from my years as a factory worker to ever consider it a mistake.
* Somewhere in the '90s, while being a factory worker, I made a newsletter / paper called 'cut-it-out'. It was to help me not feel like a completely mindless drone; an outlet to express my creative side.
* After learning about zines on the internet years later, I realized this would be something that could combine my creative side with my passionate opinionated leanings and since then a world has been opened up to me that I wish I had been aware of before.
* I would like to one day develop 'cut-it-out' into a publication. Managing my funds better (making this a priority) would help me accomplish this. Or maybe I could allow myself to get back to basics, where I began with a few sheets of paper and a dot matrix printer. This would be very close to what I want to do.

What I really want to be when I grow up is someone who is truly comfortable with who I am and free to live a life that is true to my whole self.

4. What Shakespearean character do you most relate to?
Katharina Minola of The Taming of the Shrew. If you click on the link, you may recognize some of the ways in which I resemble the character. There are other Shakespearean characters I could relate to (not all necessarily female leads) but none could I think of so applicable as Katharina at this time.

Contemplating this question further, I would prefer relating to Beatrice from Much Ado About Nothing. Although I couldn't possibly match the clever wit of neither Beatrice nor Katharina, I think I might relate to Beatrice far much more than I do to the Shrew.

I'm over-thinking this question far too much!

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I over-think this entire journal and it's seriously affecting how I express myself (or don't) online.