April 11th, 2005

alice lost in labyrinth

don't look at me

so this is why i'm supposed to take my medicine. stayed awake much too late thinking thinking thinking and then slept half the day in dreams. shifting my body for the cat to get comfortable down between my knees. shifting and dreaming and dreamshifting shifting dreams. it was the one where i am back at the salvation army church that i went to when i was young and i'm revisiting it but i know that they have a new church built and it's always some weird cast of characters who remain in the church. worse than misfits. people that are clearly not right and they're not even holding church services but doing something else and i always point out how it used to be and how this is wrong and they wonder who am i to say anything and i tell them i remember because i used to be a churchgoer, with my singing and my tambourine and bible reading and corps cadet learning and i probably wouldn't be having this variation of a repeat dream if i had gone with dad on easter sunday to church. he actually went to the new building salvation army service and i didn't go with him - after all these years there was my chance to go and i didn't - and when he returned he told me about how it went and how things are different and of the people who asked about me and remember me and if i had gone that probably would have stopped me from dreaming about this again. and then i was back on penwarden street but i wasn't looking for jeremy anymore. he used to live around the corner when i lived on penwarden street for that one year when i was 11 years old. now that i think about it, makes sense that i didn't go looking for jeremy in my dream like i used to in previous repetitions of it. earlier this year his parents sold the house. and i've spent more real-life time with jeremy in the past year than i have since we were kids. and i'm adding this on after posting this entry because it's important that i remember i had other dreams. and i didn't write down jeremy's current phone number but usually when i think of him, he ends up contacting me. it's some sort of connection we have. i should read the book he loaned me - it's called 'the confidence course' and jeremy said it helped him but there's a man with a suit on the cover and hands on his hips and that doesn't suit me. maybe i'll re-read 'women who run with the wolves' instead. i can't decide on what book to read after having finished jeff noon's 'automated alice' the other day. (cemetery in the book!) maybe i should finish reading that book of canadian letters that i started a few months ago, eh?

i have a site tracker on my website and for the second time, i've seen my workplace's signature. the first time i noticed it, i had a panic attack - went to the store in the middle of the night & spent my grocery money on a stack of magazines. it didn't make anything better but what else could i do? then i find out that the search was done by a co-worker, and not management as i had feared. and then i see that again, a search has been done with the same signature only this time it was my full name and how can i know if it was the same person or maybe a curious human resources manager who would like very much to see me go because i'm not there and shit just thinking about this makes me want to pull everything i have off the internet but it's too late now i've already been seen and i'm out there and google listed and fuck fuck fuck this is who i am and this is where i am and it's too late now. i can try to reassure the reader that i'm just trying to get it together and that i'm doing ever so much better than i had been & that i'm trying to stop the bleeding & i'm trying to get it together & that these are just glitches and - 2:34pm - spoke with Jennie my therapist for an hour or so. therapy over the phone. it helps. tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. i'll return to work on wednesday and face things. better than hiding at home for months on end. i don't want to do that ever again. i will tough this out. sometimes, i have the tendency to go to extremes - highs and lows and i don't knows - stop and go - i need routine and structure and i have the capacity to make that happen with my mad organizational skills and the pressure is on so i best get myself together. and i need to fully realize that it's okay to take care of myself. it's okay to do well. it's okay to set goals and accomplish them. it's okay to fail. it's okay to exist! it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. and so i'll just keep trying and i won't give up and i will get through this, whatever this is. "just know that every circumstance & situation, is not gonna last always" and i have to get outside of my head. i don't want the past to repeat itself repeat itself repeat itself. Breathe. You can't save the world if you don't save yourself. I'm the only one who can save me from myself. It's an inside job and i need to be present everyday. In order to see good changes, I need to make good changes. This circle / this cycle consistently comes around to that conclusion. (every damn time)