February 20th, 2005

alice lost in labyrinth

speak to me of dreams

Lil' Lil was in the lunchroom on Saturday grabbing the full garbage bags (she's the janitor for afternoon shift and she goes, goes, goes!) and she stopped to say to me, as I sat there waiting for Laurel after our overtime shift, Lil says, "I had this dream about (insert co-worker's name here) and you know how she is always so grumpy and miserable - she was exactly like that in my dream..." and you don't think you're actually thinking of this stuff but it's there in your mind and I didn't interpret her dream but I was thinking how nice it was that she just started the conversation with something like that - not a lot of people will tell you their dreams - but Lil and I go way back years ago and she is a twin too - and Lil went on to say that just because so & so is aged, it doesn't mean she should be so mean with people but we all know that the woman has been that way since god was born (since god was born is a new saying of mine - along with crappity mccrap crap) and I think it's just a matter of time before I start dreaming about my co-workers too. There is a lot that goes on at work - a lot of people having conversations and then the drama that happens with couples that break up and the affairs and the family issues and the daily workplace issues that come up and so there is a lot that gets absorbed and the brain is constantly processing and filtering - it's inevitable that dreams will bring to the forefront things that are pushed back. Personally, I might think of the contrast between Lil and the co-worker she dreamed of. Both Lil and this woman are close to retirement age. Lil is very active, very outgoing, very personable and smiley. She is small and slim and in better shape than I could hope to be at her age! The other woman is also slim but she is a bit slower, usually cross and grumpy with everyone, seems to be quite negative and so forth. I wonder if perhaps Lil was thinking of how she wouldn't want to be that way or maybe there is some other connection of relatedness. Really, I'm just happy that someone approached me again like this. I used to draw people to me all the time who would be like that - open up about the things you don't usually tell people, you know? I think about some of the dreams I've had in the past where random co-workers have made their appearances, or of the setting being in the factory. Seeing that I am back to work, it's likely I'll have dreams like that again. I've been keeping to myself and keeping my guard up while working (for the most part) because I know that it's easy to get overwhelmed by other people. I've had revealing or prophetic-like dreams about co-workers in the past and unfortunately, one time I told the one person and it completely freaked them out. I've kept in mind this time around what is appropriate in the real world and what is not. If I'm close to the person (for instance, Tracey or Al & Deb), I might share. Other than that, I've been keeping to myself.

Speaking of dreams, Tracey told me last week, while at work, when she had spent the day before sleeping, that she had this one dream of the two of us in her new vehicle (she doesn't have a new vehicle yet) and we had boxes of Guy's stuff and we were driving all the way to Florida to drop it off and that when we did that Guy was like, "But... but... but..." and I was like, "Bub-bye!" and Tracey & I took our time driving back home. It's unlikely that this would happen (although she has had dreams that come true) but it was nice to know that someone was thinking of me and that perhaps this is another sign that I am in the process of truly moving on completely - I hope so!

I have to admit that the past few days at work were a bit rough because the mind goes over lots of things when one is doing a repetitive job and I thought of Guy a lot and it was rough. Since we have had no contact for weeks now, there is distance and the mind sorts things out but seems to like to push all the good parts to the forefront just to confuse me and I have to remind myself that there was a downside to it all and that I didn't like who I was with him (I lost myself, I lost myself) and that even if we tried again, there are some things that will never change (he doesn't trust me - he never will, he doesn't see some faults in himself yet focuses on mine, there are some control issues and so forth) and so it's a battle of wills inside of me but I think it's just because I'm lonely at times and I miss some stuff. My mistake has always been to turn back because I thought it would be safe or that things would turn out differently but the painful pattern was proved time and time again. And I just read an entry on my friends list and feel this is the perfect quote to sum up my thoughts and feelings about it all...

The saddest and most exciting truth
at any given moment is that
things will never be the same again.

- soleiluna

The first day back to work after missing a couple days, the first words that Supervisor Bob said to me were, "Did you miss two days or three?" I replied, "Two!" and that was the entire conversation. If I had missed three, I would have been disciplined. Three days without a note can actually get you fired so yes, the one day difference mattered. Bob was great with me after that and would say hello if he walked past. I am relieved to still be working for him. Anywho, yes, I made sure to drag my butt into work on Friday because I knew that I didn't want to be off on sick leave again, no matter how much my uterus hates me. Other than that, I'd say the past couple of days (because I also worked on Saturday) went very well. I worked consistently and when I was finished a bin at the 7978 and didn't have anything left to do at that work station, I went over to another machine to help the crew I worked with a few days before. Better than some people who just stand there doing nothing or talking for who knows how long. It turns out that one of the persons I was working with said that Bob had told them he'd be sending me over if they got behind or needed help - so kudos to me for going where he would have sent me anyway! On Saturday, I leaktested the nyclad fuel lines and we ended up doing being more productive than they regularly are on an 8 hour day. We had 100 parts less than a full day's work on that overtime day. I liked keeping busy and I liked the feeling of contributing to a productive work station. I think that most people (even me) like to feel good about the job they do. Even if we are just monkeys. Yeah, that's apparently the word on the floor. A stupid arrogant person in management referred to the floor people as 'monkeys' and that does not make relations any better. The office has terribly low morale as it is, with an incredibly high turnover rate among the staff and engineers, and so it's not surprising that there are moments of lash outs. A lot of gossip and talk goes on in a factory anyway. It's a lot like high school, except the people are older.

I posted this on myspace: There is a small patch on my left hand - the thumb and palm area - I noticed its return late last week. I knew it had started over again when I was running the hot water a moment too long. This is part of the job. It wouldn't be the same without the pain.

This morning I slept late and dreamed of driving down a country road landscape. A small town road was renamed "18,000" because it had reached a population of the same number. That's a really long street. Leaving that place, I was passenger side going past farmland. I could see the insides of empty barns & I was thinking of the empty places inside of me.