July 4th, 2004

alice facepalm

Leaving

posted in greatpoets

Leaving

We take one step at a time when we leave
a love, a job, a belief
after spending days, perhaps months, years
dismissing doubts
their presence, ripples in the air
that can be as soft as moths
wings we pretend are only
the ordinary in and out of our breath
clouds against windows
clear, and one day we see our world differently
feel our hands press against that glass
the cold of it flinging us back
one last time
into the heart of a home we have known
where each piece in its usual place
seems rearranged
as if we are already gone

- Sandy Shreve
alice lost in labyrinth

How long must she pay for it?

In my place, in my place... were lines that I couldn't change...
and I was lost... (oh yeah) ...I was lost, I was lost...
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed... I was lost...

- from 'In My Place' by Coldplay


I had that dream again.

The dream where I am living in my previous apartment - my first apartment - and I am suddenly quite aware of the fact that I still live in this apartment... and that Guy's belongings are in the back room... and where will I put all of this stuff that I have now? I moved the furniture around quite often in my first apartment. It was a one bedroom and the kitchen was larger than the one I have now and was open to the living room, the rest of the apartment basically forming an L-shape. I can see the place clearly still. Most likely I will dream of this apartment when I move away but I get the feeling that the dream is about a bit more than moving. There are common things that occur in it ---

1) happiness with being back in my old apartment. I really did like it there. It wasn't all that bad for a first apartment. There was a time when I thought seriously of moving back in to it but...

2) I have more stuff now than I did then. For one, the Army dropped off Guy's worldly goods here. I also have a few more pieces of furniture from my Granny. Granted, I had furniture taken away (from when Mom moved out) so it probably all evens out somewhere, and there is a great deal of my own things that I could get rid of easily...

...all of these are things that go through my mind in the dream. I have to make the decision of what to do. I can't live in two places, ya know?

3) I think of the good things about the place I live in now. I like it here, well enough, although I know I won't live here indefinitely. I will be moving on, eventually.

4) I made less mistakes in my old place. Or maybe it's just that I was younger. Or that I was more brave. Or that things hadn't quite become such a terrible mess.

What choice should I make? Sometimes, Guy is in the dream, sometimes not, but I'm not unaware that perhaps this reoccurring dream is inexplicably tied to the relationship and my indecision of what to do.

I want to be in both places at the same time.

And I want to go back to the beginning.

But I can't.

{Not even in my dreams}