May 13th, 2003

doctor who places you will go

Too gory. Too vivid.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

There were too many details in my dreams/nightmares this morning. Too gory. Too vivid. I am not sure whether I should type it out or not because I don't want to remember it, yet I feel right now as though I will never get it out of my head. I took my serezone after I had first gone to bed. I got up and took it and then went back to bed. My lip was burning from the acid. (I'll get to that in a moment) I'm wondering if taking the pill so late had something do to with the dream or maybe it was because I friggin' ate too much yesterday (completely binged in the evening) or maybe it was because of the sinks situation (and the acid) but whatever it was, I haven't dreamed like that in a very long time. Sure, I have a little bit of adventure/nightmare action but nothing like this. And I have to stop typing because I have to go to the washroom.

Since I was sitting there thinking over parts of the dream it is now a bit muddled but I'll give this a try. I don't remember every exact detail but I remember enough (too much) of it so here goes....

At Dad's house in St. Thomas. It's a mess (in the dream). The old carpet in the front room really smells bad and the place is a bit dirty. I am in the front room with an air mattress bed on the floor and I'm working on cleaning up the place. Of course, I want to start with the bookshelves. He had some old jehovah's witnesses books (in the dream) and I also remember a lot of cookbooks and various other books. I looked through a cookbook that was the same as the Richard Simmons one that I have which came with the FoodMover, only it's much thicker than the one I have. It also had exercises in it and the word ana was on the cover amongst the description. Yeah, how obvious but still. And so I'm telling this woman who is there that I have the same book but it's thinner, blah blah blah. And then I'm looking through some of the other books and Dad's writing is in it. It's sort of a medical history of myself and it had about four incidents written in it, all of which I believe happened except one. He describes what was wrong and how he felt about it. It also looked as though there was some dialogue in it between him and the doctor who treated me. A couple of the incidents were related to my contact dermatitis. The last one was strange though in that I was very cold and couldn't stop shivering and shaking, along with my hands being very bad (like they were a couple years ago). Dad was very worried about this and said he had never seen me this sick before. Apparently he tried doing what he could to help. Maybe I was cold because it was actually cold here last night, given that I had the windows open due to the acid fumes (more on that later) but the skin problem is not a surprise to me, given that it's been in my nightmares before. The thing was, it was supposed to be a recent event, that last one, and Dad's notes on it were touching in his emotion in dealing with it and how he feels about me. In other words, my Dad loves me. I also saw Jennifer's name but her health history was blank. (She died a couple months after we were born and from what I know, was healthy, unlike myself). The thing with her name was obvious to me though. Her middle name was Gwen but it was written similar to Gwen's name (the Gwen who was my best friend) but the 'I' was a 'Y' (Gwenllyan) and then there were various other names attached like 'Ellywan' and stuff like that? and so I figured it was my mind having to get her in there in some way. I miss her and it isn't the first time that she's been reminded to me in my dreams. And there was this part in the kitchen before what I just mentioned having to do with an old gas stove (which we didn't have, not the way this one was set up) and it kept flaming up and burning us. Come to think of it, this was probably near the beginning because my lip was burning in real life, so this makes sense. And there were some co-workers from work and the one woman kept turning it up instead of down and we kept getting burned. I was on a phone with Dad who was away at a lodge meeting and he was telling me how to put the setting right. He ended up coming home later. Yes, my dad played a reoccuring role in my dreams last night (he has been in my dreams often in the past) but this probably had more to do with the acid. Now this part bugged me... it's night time and I'm working on the bookshelves while talking on the phone with my old friend Jeremy. I'm not sounding concerned enough or something and he's trying to tell me stuff and I'm too distracted or something like that. We only talk once in awhile in real life and usually do catch one another up on some of the happenings and so this was sort of like that. I think I was distracted by the jw books. And so Jeremy ends up showing up at the door, drunk but I'm the one who acts like an idiot. I decide to kiss his lips. It wasn't something sexual but more like me just doing it (probably because my lips were burning) but my lips weren't soft or anything. In fact, they had some of that gooey skin stuff you sometimes get, know what I mean? And we're at the side of the house in the dark and I kissed him a couple more times - quick pecks on the lips - and he seemed disgusted or angry, to tell you the truth. I know that he got into the truck (he doesn't have a truck and really isn't a truck kind of guy, to tell you the truth) and I remember thinking that we probably should have gone to McDonald's instead. Back to the house, cleaning again. Dad is home. We're in the bathroom. This is where I got disturbed. There's an old woman on a chair. I think she was supposed to be Granny and it hurts me to write that because I don't want it to be her and it wasn't actually her anyway. There's another woman there. There's a body in the tub of an older woman who is dead but gets some sort of spirit in her that animates her and she says something and jumps into the old woman's body and then back and dead again and well it was just really weird and scary. Then it's just the old woman who is beside the tub and I'm noticing that there is the space in between the tub and the outside. It is clogged with all this dirt and water nearly half way up and you can see it. It really needed to be cleaned but I didn't want to touch it. Dad says he knows how to clean it, as if it's normal to have that sort of a thing happen. I remember that he pulled out a pan of two cooked livers, such as what you get at a restaurant. It was gross to think of them being there for a few years. In real life I actually like 'liver & onions' a lot. In fact, I love the way they prepare at 'The Embassy' restaurant here in town. But back to this dream, next thing I know Dad is walking away from the house wanting to head up town. I want to go with him but we forgot something. We get the old woman (I refuse to call her granny because of what happens to her). And then my Dad turns into Harrison Ford. No, there is no likeness in real life. And the thing is, I'm supposed to be his kid but wow, I mean, Harrison Ford, I've always had a crush on him. This is where the dream becomes more like a movie. The characters are much like in 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'. There is the kid and the woman and Harrison Ford. Oh... but first... there was this building. And people were after us (namely Harrison Ford) and they used his mother (the said old woman earlier) to bait him. There's this hospital room with sick older people in beds. There's a nurse. I'm seeing the bed that the old woman is on and I remember being scared that the spirit from earlier would take over but that didn't happen. Now there were all these needles from the ceiling hooked up and put in the people. Harrison - let's call him Indy because he was supposed to be Indiana Jones - is watching from the shadows and I suspect he is going to rescue his mom. Next thing I know the nurse is on the bed with the needles coming down from the ceiling and into her. She's getting done to her what they've done to the patients. It makes her go numb and she was saying something about her feeling everything going numb. It was not nice to see. Next thing we're in the hallway and I don't know which character I am. I seem to just remember watching it all and so I don't believe I was the kid or the woman or Indiana or anyone. There are people in rooms that could alert them and catch him so he has to get away. Apparently they were Nazis, like in the Indy films, and I said something like, 'Is this why Indy doesn't like Nazis?' and my dad said 'No." These parts were in black and white now and I thought it was something like an old Indiana Jones movie. So the kid and the woman got separated from Indy. The kid ended up talking with the Queen who looked much like the woman who was in the movie 'Stargate' whose father found the gate at the archeaological dig - know the one? I didn't see the old woman anywhere but she ends up in the plane later. So down the stairs they go and they meet up downstairs in the mall. The woman (the one that was with Indy) ended up being attracted to an art display. It turned out to be a set up and the walls were being moved and the woman was being captured and the other people who had walked over to look at the display were told some lame excuse but didn't care and just moved on anyway. The kid was captured too and Indiana of course went over when he heard the woman cry out. So they're in this side room and they're being told by one of the officials something and pretty much they were going to be dead. Then - just like in the movie 'Eraser' where Arnold has the guy and girl pretend that they are dead by laying still for the photographs with fake blood on them and stuff - Indy, the woman and the kid are laying there and have the same thing done. Next thing someone is supposed to come in and shoot them with a gun but of course Indy saves the day somehow and they end up running out the door. They get into this car (looked like a black late 80s luxury car, much like a park avenue) and they're being shot at. Indy yells at them to keep their head down as the glass breaks and he gets into the drivers' side by going around the car. He gets them going after hotwiring it. They chase after this vehicle that has baggage in the back and is open but it's supposed to actually be this big air ballon type plane like in the 'Last Crusade' movie. And they get onto it by the side, much like an open van side-door. Now we're in the A&P parking lot in St. Thomas on Talbot St. (well, it used to be an A&P) and the driver/pilot is heading them right into a mini-van but he lifts up just in time. The old woman who is supposed to be Indy's mom is there beside Indy. She is delighted with the take-off, seems joyous, then has a heart attack and dies. I remember thinking something like 'at least her last moment was happy?' but the pilot notices and has a heart attack too, but recovers. Of course Indy needs to save the day. This was weird in that he jumps into this big mural painting that is on one of the brick walls of the store buildings and then takes the control but something happens anyway and the next thing I know, everyone is getting out of the plane by these inflatable huge slides and splashing into water. I wanted to replay that part because it looked like fun but of course, people were after Indy. More happened after this but I can't remember it. I know that there was at least 2 or 3 clever escapes played out but they are lost from me now. All I remember is the ending part which I may as well get over with. There's this old garage and a vehicle is gone from it, replaced by the that car from earlier, only it is on fire because it had been damaged by the gun shots. Indy has escaped with the woman and the boy and are off being chased somewhere. There's a man sitting in an easy chair on his lawn watching tv. He's talking to his wife about his vehicle but I don't remember what he was saying. She sits in a chair beside him, a side table in between, and says something about the car that is on fire in their driveway and good thing it isn't their vehicle. I think he was saying something about that too, come to think of it, that good thing his vehicle isn't that one, both of them not clueing in that their vehicle is stolen. Finally the man gets up and goes over to it and says something about his vehicle being stolen. And this is getting close to the gross part... There is a cop and he's going to track down the person who stole the man's vehicle. I remember him using a key to unlock someone else's car but the next thing I remember of him, he's on the ground. Something happens and I think it was supposed to be Indy driving because I remember thinking of the horror of the situation and how it didn't seem right that he had any connection to it but I couldn't be sure. I think it was the man who's vehicle was stolen that was holding on to the back and being dragged around. And there there was someone else that would attach himself to him. And another would attach himself to the other. Until they were all being messed up and dragged along. It was in color and it was gross. They became completely gruesome and there was only one other similar gross part but I don't remember exactly where it was in the dream. It was a bunch of soldier men in uniform but they were cut up and disfigured (and dead) and supposedly this was the crime that the Nazis were placing on Indy so that everyone would be after him, even though it's not what he did but what they did. The one face was much like in the movie 'Saving Private Ryan' where Tom Hanks turns the one guy over who would use the communication radio and his face was caved in - remember that? All I know is there was no blood on any of the faces but they grossed me out anyway. One of the men had slits on his face, cuts everywhere as though someone was purposely slicing him up. This is so gross for me to be re-visualizing. It was so disturbing in the dream. Back to the end though (let's get this over with) like I said, body after body was being dragged along. The cop or whoever he was ended up grabbing the end and he only got dragged for a short time and he got a couple of them to unhook - they were dead but must have bounced a certain way to unlatch or something - and the cop was cheerfully saying (he was a young man) something about how if "you just hang on and don't let go through the tough times you'll make it through..." when he stopped because what he was holding on to was dead and in pieces along with the other bodies that stopped. And he looked at at the men being dragged by the vehicle and they were bloody guts and pulpy mess - nothing recognizable. I got myself to wake up then after staring at the mess long enough. I had a tough time waking up and keeping myself out of the dream. I can't even describe it as messy as it was but it reminded me of this photo I saw years ago from of what was supposed to be someone hit by a bus. I don't know if it was real or not but it was just a flat mess of guts, red and purple and ugh. That is what it reminded me of, sort of. After waking up the song 'Jennifer's Body' by Hole played over and over, and still is right now. "just relax... just relax... just relax..."

About the acid - last night I tried to do the bathroom but duh me, the kitchen and bathroom sinks are connected and there was water in the kitchen sinks and below the bathroom sink there was a leak because the landlord did not screw the one thing back on and so acid leaked onto the floor after I poured some and I put a towel on it and went to Dad's place (yay that he only lives 2 doors down in situations like this) and he came back with me and fixed it. He plunged them and got them both unclogged. Well, I cleaned up and used baking soda but before bed I decided to comb through my hair with the pick (pic?) I use. I had placed it into the side drawer while dad was taking care of the sink because I didn't want it to get splashed. Guess what - it got splashed. I took it out of the drawer and started to 'brush' when I felt the wetness on my hand. Then I stupidly brought the pick to my face to see if I could 'smell' anything on it. Ended up getting my lips. I put baking powder on it several times but I had already hurt myself. It burned and hurt and I had thoughts of my lips being burned through by morning but it doesn't hurt today so it's alright. Note to self: Don't put acid on lips. I was fortunate that I had the pick placed in the drawer in such a way that the liquid was facing up or else I'd have to worry about the stuff being on the other contents. What a mess though. I'm grateful that Dad could fix it. While in bad having all these morbid thoughts about acid (which probably led to the morbid dreams) I thought of what it would be like to swallow it. From the pain of my lips, I figured that it would be excrutiatingly painful and would make a mess of one's insides (maybe that was what led to the end part of my dream?) and that I would not do that. I wasn't thinking of dying but was just thinking about that stuff. Even though I have put the baking soda down and cleaned up the best I could, I'm still concerned about my cats getting even a trace of the stuff. I have used my hair tie to keep the bathroom sink cupboard doors closed and I'm watching them for any sign of being sick. I'm a worrier with normal everyday things, let alone something like that. Needless to say, the acid is back at Dad's house.

Ya know, looking back at that dream, I do believe it's a good thing that I am in therapy because I obviously have a lot going on in my head. A lot of scary stuff. It's said that if you don't dream, you'll go crazy. I know that a lot of people don't remember their dreams and I wonder if they're actually better off.... I would think so.