August 5th, 2002

doctor who places you will go

what does it mean to dream

what does it mean to dream
of the house i grew up in
knowing that in real life it is
occupied, rented and lived in
when it seems I desire to be
the one who returns to my home
i have to prove myself don't I?
I need to work and save money
and get my driver's license and
maybe some small used car that
can get me back and forth to work
and maybe then could it be possible
that I could have the chance to make
the house my own again? I know it isn't
mine and that the debt belongs to my dad
but this desire to have the place and transform
it into a place that I could cleanse and create
into a haven... a place where I could defeat
the demons that haunt me still of events past
I know that now is not a good time to talk about
it or mention it, knowing the family that lives there
and knowing my own unstable circumstances at
this time but maybe, perhaps maybe, if I could do
well and make the changes in myself and prove
that I deserve this chance... maybe one day I could
go home and make it a place that even Dad would
return to, and see that it is not the place it was before
but something better - a reconstruction of good dreams
and hopes and not the mistake and destruction that
was left for burden. Is it wrong for me to ask for something
I do not deserve as yet? Is it wrong for me to dream of home?
I see the small yard cultivated into small exotic gardens with ponds
and a swingset in the driveway for two adults to kick up high
and I see a wall that was made turned into bookshelves or
possibly dug out wooden window frames for nick nacks and artsy
stuff to lighten the hallway - more bookcases in the front room as well.
I see the living room comfortable with my touch and my furniture
and my bedroom being restored to me with sliding closet doors and
the other room a nice bedroom a guest bedroom or maybe an office
but even more there is the dream of opening a loft in the attic never
touched - raise the roof - and digging a basement to make room for
recreation - no food tossed under stairs there and not a cobweb
would be found for this would be remade just as I would be and
I would make for us a good name of the house that had seen so
many people, so many hard times, too much to say at this time -
but I know I am not ready. I know these are dreams. But maybe,
if I can get myself on the right path and make good... maybe the
good dreams will come true. Maybe I can prove worthy to you.
Dad, do you understand this need for me to make things right?
This dream of facing my past head on and changing it for good?
Does this make any sense or is this all brought on with dreams
losing their place in reality and a tired and yearning soul that
feels she hasn't found her home? I shouldn't have run away.
I wish I had been strong enough to face her. Recent dreams
I tell her off but what good does that do now? She can't hear
me. She doesn't care. But I do. Whatever happens concerning
your property, the house you didn't want to buy in the first place,
I hope that when the time comes for any decision making you might
have about it, that I will be worthy and have proven myself for
consideration in what happens to it. I know that it may be years
before this decision might be made and for that I am relieved as
I know it will take me awhile to get back on track but I will be
the daughter who will make you proud. I will. No matter what
decision is made, I will be there with you, if you want me to be.
I wasn't running away from the house. I wasn't running away
from you. I was running away from her. You realize that, right?

I should not be awake this late. This is what happens when
my sleeping schedule is screwed up. I am going before I say
anything else stupid. G'night.