July 1st, 2002

doctor who places you will go

apologies & dreams

Guy wrote in his journal: "I apologize to Amber for the hurtful words I have said to her ~ both recently and throughout the relationship we had. I think there is hurt on both sides from events past...unfortunate occurrences that they were. Sure, there's enough blame to go around to bloody a lot of noses that have been involved one way or another. I'll admit to not having been the perfect significant other, and at times having reacted inappropriately or said things I shouldn't have...things driven by deep hurt and emotion. I sincerely wish that things had not taken the nosedive they have; but, not too much I can do about it by myself. It would take both of us trying to make things get better ~ not as individuals, but together ~ and that's not happening apparently."

I think that's the nicest apology I've received from him ever, even if it wasn't directly, and I appreciate it. I believe I should be able to be an individual though, to know how I am and such (why can't we be who we are and love each other just the same?) but in any case, it's good to read from the rest of his journal entry that things are getting better for him.

As for me, it's hot and I had strange dreams. One part of my dream is a reoccurring one and it has gotten to the point where it takes me a little while after waking to convince myself that it isn't reality. Then again, I could get all philosophical (or pretentious?) and ask the question, "What is reality?"
alice lost in labyrinth

Canada Day

i can hear fireworks... the arena is down the street...

happy canada day, eh?

...after listening to the thunder of fireworks for awhile...

I went into the bathroom and watched the fireworks from the window. Perfect view. They were beautiful and "stars that fall to ground" entered my mind. I felt lucky for that moment, to have a place to live, to be able to rest my chest atop the towel rod with my chin on the window sill, in the dark, wearing only panties because it is way too hot and humid - all to watch the local village fireworks. For a moment there, I felt like everything might be okay. That there is hope for me in my search for myself. At the same time, I felt the haven of being alone close in on me. And I liked that feeling.