October 14th, 2001

alice lost in labyrinth

poem: Not Enough

Not Enough

what happens when you realize
this is not enough
you want more
but can you show yourself the door
you need a little help
all signs are flashing caution
but no one is slowing down
for you
last night it was
a dream about high school
football stars
huddled at the back of a
yellow school bus
and you're still the loner
at the front
even in your dreams
you realize that
you are not enough
as you watch them
all standing by the road
pissing at the world
this doesn't make much sense
and it still is not enough
next scene
you've got their attention
all eyes to the front
and you have to read
from the paper
here is your big chance
to show them how cool you are
with a bit of public speaking
you look down at what
you hold there in your hands
but there are pictures in the way
and the words do not exist
so you make a joke
and no one laughs
this is when you realize
not one person on this ride
will ever think enough
you wake up
your first moments
spent trying to work it out
give the dream a different ending
but for everything you do
it is not enough
it is not enough

13/14 January 2001 ADP
doctor who places you will go


Sunday, October 14, 2001

I'm feeling a bit haunted at the moment.

Barry was in my dreams last night. Now, perhaps this was simply inspired by me getting the name analysis for Guy's middle name (which happens to be Barry) but to invoke a dream of Barry? I haven't seen him in years! The last time was at my old apartment. I had a crush on him from when I was 14 years old (1992) when he grabbed my arm to dance and we danced nearly every song and I fell hard for him... and it continued on and off for years afterwards. It was dispelled somewhat when he married a second or third cousin of mine. Still, every year at the reunion when we saw each other..... even when I was 19 and there was a birthday party for me at my parent's.... well..... it was intense. (I wrote about it all in my paper journals) Oh sure, I had other crushes throughout those years but he remained somewhere in my head. Later on it helped to know that he was a jerk and that it was best I didn't get involved with him, best I held out. Back to the dream... there was a moment where he said "let's dance" and we did but it was all out of step which was odd because we danced quite naturally together from the start in real life..... it was also in front of other people in a school gym and it didn't seem the appropriate time and place to do that. I had other dreams and he wasn't in them but the fact that he was in them at all bugs me. I know that I did the right thing the last time I saw him when I told him to go away, go back to his wife, (they separated 2 weeks later) but it really blew my mind for him to say that he had felt for me all those years... all in all, it was very weird. Anyway, despite being an asshole for things he'd done to others, Barry gave me some rare happy memories and feelings of being loved, desired or appreciated when there was so much time spent alone and not feeling that way. Considering that I remained a virgin until I was 20 years old when Guy and I got together in person, I feel that most likely added to the experiences I had with him (sexual tension, infatuation, fantasy element) and something in me came to terms with it when it came down to it when he showed up at my door that last time. I was able to rationalize and tell him no, go away, even as he wrapped his arms around me and held me close to him... I knew it wasn't real.

I'm not saying that I'm any smarter now or that I understand love any better than I did back then but I do realize that I am capable of loving others and of being loved. That's an important thing to learn and accept. They say those who love strongly once will surely love again. And I have.

I may not have complete confidence in Guy and I having the healthiest relationship at all times... but my hope is that somehow we become better people because of it or that we understand or know more about ourselves along the way.... Guy has been gone since April 24th... we've gone through a lot and we're still going through a lot.... but.... I think it's worth it or will be, after all is said and done.