October 2nd, 2001

doctor who places you will go

dreams of guy

I've had dreams every night (or day, depending on when I slept) for awhile now. I remember bits of them. It's not too hard to figure out why certain people are in them. Some highlights:
- Guy has been in my dreams. In one, he touched me and I didn't feel anything anymore - this after spending most of the dream going through perils with him, rescuing him from a speeding train with living dead people on it. I don't remember the details. I just remember laying down on the ground about to make out, and me not feeling anything... I think I'm becoming numb to the situation and not wanting myself to feel. Tired of hurting/being hurt.
- Mom. Most recently in my dream last night/this morning where there was a party going on and she was hitting on a a teenage boy and someone talked to me about her and I was trying to explain it and she was behind me and heard what I said and freaked out on me. In real life, we haven't talked since the incident.
- Last night I also had a more intricate dream and Guy and I were together, here. I remember Dad was organizing my food cupboard, contributing to it. I also remember that one of Guy's sons was here with us, visiting. There was so much to this dream and other places and people as well but I remember a part where I said that it had been two days since Guy arrived and we hadn't even had sex yet and it didn't seem that we wanted to do so either.

I think I'm overwhelmed by everything and the situation with Guy doesn't help. The other day it seemed he wanted to "forgive and forget" as he said but I have a few problems with that. For one, I have believed that only to find he's assumed the worst yet again. I don't think I can just so easily let my guard down. Too many times I have opened up again only to feel shattered... I think I'm too fragile for that right now. The other day he wanted me to list my "flaws" and how I will attempt to overcome them in order to improve our relationship. When I asked him to go first, he didn't want to, saying that I would use it against him. I have not listed my flaws but I'm aware that I have many. Personally, I feel I wouldn't have given him the answers he wants to hear anyway as one of my flaws clearly has something to do with him. No, I am well aware that I have many flaws - I am not perfect and I am a human being. And there is no quick fix for them either so if that's what it takes to make our relationship "good" again, well, let's just save ourselves the disappointment. I think this is the only part of my life where I can call a time-out, so I am. Time-out! If he doesn't want to wait, I understand. But I'm not ready and not sure I want to fall back into this situation. I'm certainly in no frame of mind to handle the difficulties of it on top of everything else at the moment. I have hardly any energy to extend beyond myself.

At the moment, I don't know how to explain it any other way.