July 13th, 2001

doctor who places you will go

morning entry, written offline

I dreamed again that I had left stuff in my old apartment - the first one I had over there around the corner that I lived in for a few years. In my dream, I have to decide if I'm going to continue living there or not. I actually consider it but my waking mind probably goes, "hey, wait a minute, you got a great apartment right now, better than that one, and you've got too many things to fit in there now anyway" I've had this happen in my dreams a few times to the point where I really was wondering upon waking if I had left things there.... There were other dreams as well. Many others. And yes, even after waking up a few times in the night, I still returned to dreams that included the cats. They are most definitely in my thoughts. My hope is that they get good homes - and soon. Lion has been doing well up until now. He's wondering where they are. Meowing and looking around. Nope, they're not here anymore. It's just you and me buddy. I had to remind him a few times throughout the night but he stayed with me most of the time and I pet him and we kept each other company. I've been playing with him a lot and he makes me laugh with the way he acts with the string that I tied a toy to the end.... he's calling for them right now. I expected this. He will adjust just like I have to. It's hard though - when you're used to someone being around and suddenly they're gone. He's gonna go crazy with the string for a bit. That a boy. Lion and I are doing well considering.... I know I should have gone to work but I knew he was going to go through this and I wanted to be here for him. I'm sure people will think that's no excuse but for me it sounds good enough. Next week we're back to a full week so I'll give it my all then. Right now I want to be here for Lion and in a sense, he is being here for me too.

I'm quite relieved that last night went well and even if the landlord's motive is to return again to check up and see if I've hidden the cats or only shipped them out for the day, that is fine with me because now I have nothing to hide. I know that what's happened is the best thing and will relieve a lot of stress but it is heart wrenching to think of the cats where they are right now. I am smart enough to know that having one cat is better than having seven. I also know that it will make the cat food and litter last longer. It will cost less to get him fixed and take care of him should he be sick. It's less mess and etc etc. It's also best that the landlord knows I have a cat because this means I don't have to worry about my cat being seen in a window or at the door or unexpected drop-bys for rent. So no one needs to tell me that this was best that it happened - I know, I know. It just doesn't make it hurt any less.

Mom was also in the last dream. On the phone with Bryan also listening in. I was telling her about my apartment being for rent but that some of my stuff is still in there. I told her the price which is rather cheap and it's also inclusive but she didn't like it (she prefers government housing based on income, lower rent) It was apparently the first time I talked to her after this incident and it was over the phone at Dad's place. I ended up waking up after that one and went pee again. I have to do that a lot during the night. I had lots of different strange dreams, each time returning to dreaming when I would return to sleep. I was very tired. I feel drained at the moment as well. Each movement an effort to make. I know that it's probably just my way of dealing with what's happened recently. Which reminds me... I ought to go take my medicines.

I'll leave you with a quote:
"You have so many issues it's not believable and if I was drunk you'd know it" - Mom 8:06pm 30 June 2001