March 4th, 1999

alice lost in labyrinth

poem: "No particular person in mind"

"No particular person in mind"
I told myself as the pen slid across paper
"No thought or feeling behind these words"
I told myself as fingers danced across keyboard
Do not presume I can love you without
Consequences. I am not in love with anyone
and there is no one who can love me
as much as I need or want or deserve
Not even my heart is worthy
to beat under this skin
Don't even try to love me more
Nobody understands the struggles
I have gone through
No one can possibly know
what it's like to be me
and no one has suffered
more than I
And I lie and lie and lie
Why aren't You So Special?
Because I lie to myself
more than I speak or write a line for you
I am a victim of circumstance
I am the victim
Because I lie to myself
more than I speak or write
this is not about you
With my thesaurus vocabulary
I impress my public domain
but my words are empty to Poets
who think, "You should put
more feeling into your words - Not more letters"
You can't make me feel guilty for
the things I haven't done
as long as I can say, "I thought I had more time"
but I had
"No particular person in mind."

ADP 04 March 1999