January 8th, 1999

alice lost in labyrinth

poem: State of Mind

State of Mind

If I could do half of
the things I do in my sleep
If I were to wake one day
and find my nightmares
to be the reality
to learn that my existence
is only in images that
live inside my mind
I would be at home in this world
that ensnares my body and
ties me to my troubles
because I would be
whoever I think myself to be
armed with all the powers
one soul can hold.

I dreamed of you but you were
my death and I wanted
to feel you kill me
to hold the intensity of your gaze
as you tell me I'm going to hell
by your hand
and by your love
I would invite the knife
After the dream is done
I would want to return
to the dark place
when I am close to waking
and kiss the pain where
my blood consumed your smile
I long to live the moment anew.

It is a sickness which lingers
along the twisted paths
of my tortured thoughts
I am not really this morbid
I am not really this dark
and yet this part of me
frolics in the madness
of a dream that would
have me dancing with
death's hand on my back
and all the colors of my day
would spill into the deep
where I can see my
conscious mind cower
"I don't want to know who I am..."

08 January 1999 ADP