goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,
goldmourn
amberdawnpullin

of sirens and rising sea levels

Tuesday, October 12th, 2021.
11:05pm
I had another crash nap this afternoon. Likely because I'm not sleeping long enough at night. Staying up until late in the morning but waking up between four and five hours later is not enough sleep. The inflammation of the cyst has healed so it's likely that I'm tired from the limited sleep. I end up laying down for a nap and waking up to the sound of sirens for the second day in a row. There was another fatal accident but this one was north of us, near to where I live, with the emergency vehicles taking the highway to get there. It was loud. I had been in a dream nightmare where I was outside though. I was actually outside in the dream. Details of pebbled walkways, of grass, of the locations and thankfully the people were strangers, that I know of, and it was so real, the outside world part of it. I keep saying I want to go for a walk - especially for the autumn leaves - but I haven't yet. Charged up the watch and made sure the cameras were ready to go for two days straight now but I'm still staying inside. Both days have had serious accidents happen nearby. I mean, the odds are that accidents will occur with so many people out and about but still, it's unsettling to wake to such siren sounds.

I'm typing this and the cats are using the litter. I've got the DSLR recording me as I type these words because I haven't done anything for the vlog today. I didn't want to talk about the dream because it was actually a nightmare and the instance of waking while emergency vehicles were getting to what would be a fatal accident scene, it was all unnerving. Also, I felt like I had been gone a lot longer, that I'd been sleeping for a longer length of time than I actually had. It was only a couple hours at most. Maybe tonight, I should type my words and take my meds and then go to bed. Maybe I should do that but then I thought of how I probably won't do that right away. I need a bit more time of being awake at night. I like the flipping of the schedule to nights and I think it's better for the whole household.

What I probably should do is read for a bit. But I likely won't read tonight. What I could do instead of that is watch a movie like I said I've meant to and maybe while watching the movie, or having it play as background, I could ramble write in my paper journal. I would like to finish this paper journal so that I can start a new one, something fresh, one of my blanks from the shelf. I ruined my current paper journal early on and since then, it's been tough to get into it. It's a nice size for writing in - small - and it's one of the two journals I got in Italy, but it's not working out for me. Probably doesn't help that I had to put an obituary in it. It reminds me of the further disconnect I have with close family. It's sad.

I'm sorry today couldn't have been the day that I went outside for fall. I think the weather is supposed to get cooler sooner which will help a lot. Then I can put on the old grey sweater and get outside for the foliage walk. It looks as though by Saturday it should be a little bit cooler but there might be rain. It still seems much too muggy and warm for this time of year though. When I was a kid in primary (elementary) school, we were taught about the four seasons that would be in a year. To think how skewed they would become by the time I'd reached this age. To think of how so much of that is different now. Now, if one has the means, people are buying or looking to move to places where they'll be safe as places get affected by the change in climate, by rising water levels, the flooding, the fires, the droughts. Just as we saw when Katrina happened, some people (most of us) can't afford to pick up and move somewhere or we don't have anywhere or anyone or any place we can go. I think I'm okay where I am but seeing the displacement and forced migrations of people (and how some people are rejecting them so cruelly, as if it won't happen to us, as if it couldn't) is another thing added to the dystopian feel of the past few years. I can't even think about some things right now. I suppose I should feel grateful that I have the privilege to do that.

Why did it seem like some of the recent previous generations had a lot more fun getting older than my generation or future generations will get to have? I mean, their mid-life crisis just seemed more enjoyable than what we're facing now.

I need a vacation from myself.
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