goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

October 1st.

Friday, October 1st, 2021.
Hello, October.

I made a quick vlog this morning on the balcony using the DSLR camera. I have used it so rarely for the longest time that I'm out of practice. It was a last minute decision to participate in Vlogtober this year. Not sure if I'll be consistent and follow through with it each day. I'd like to think that I might because then I would be better prepared for November, for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and making vlogs each day during that, which I did years ago. I'm probably going to continue the '30 Days in Agoraphobia' project and even if this isn't the last year I write for it, the years compiled make for a hefty second draft to go over and parse down if I happen to make a book of the accumulated years of writing in November.

But back to October, to the first day of it, to now. In this present moment, I am at my desk in front of the window. I have the PS4 on because it's Friday night and I feel like I might participate in the F it Friday playlist, though as I'm typing this, I wonder if I should just turn the gaming system off and focus on writing some words instead. I could have started writing earlier in the day if this was supposed to mean that much to me. Then again, I preferred to write at night. In the dark. Uploaded photos from my phone to Flickr. Sorted albums. Did all the things but write, right?

I've had a headache for a few days now. It subsides now and then but it's been persistent for most of the week, if not longer. Add it to the pains that I don't know the specific cause of but I could make guesses and not help it feel any better. My eyes hurt all the time and I'll give in, put on my glasses but they're not for seeing close up and so I don't keep them on that often. Never have adjusted to them because I didn't grow up with glasses. I'm not sure if the headaches are due to my eyes hurting or my eyes hurt because of the headaches or what the cause of either might be. It's not even my main complaint. I'm rambling thoughts to pass the word count and avoid writing anything important.

I had intended to write again because October is a fresh start season for people such as myself but a nudge from someone I care about that contacted me to say they didn't see any email this morning of any journal entries - the posts go to their emails - was a reminder to me that at least one person cares to know how I'm doing and if they still do, maybe I should make sure to type my 750 words tonight.

9:56pm The playlist has loaded up and I don't want it to be the reason why I don't write my words. When I glance down at the number of words already, I'm at five hundred something and I haven't mentioned anything about what's been going on in my life. Nothing.

I have cried this week. Something I don't do easily. It was after messages regarding my Dad. Lot of stress when it comes to thinking about him. Worry and stress and pain about what has happened, is happening, will happen. Reminder to self that I'm well into the age of concern when it comes to how stress can affect me, and how it has for a very long time. Then the reminder that it has just been me trying to keep some sort of communication. The failure of that over the years when it comes to both of my parents’ echoes.

- pause for gameplay -

10:40pm I've seen 'Midnight Mass' on Netflix - the entire series - twice so far as of earlier today. Once on my own by myself and the second time, watching it over a few days for a second viewing of it as a shared experience.

10:54pm My intention is to become more open and vulnerable in my writing again, just as I hope to express myself more through vlogs and with photography, journaling and whatever else I can do.

11:30pm The second playlist (one playlist split into two separate ones of 8 jobs) is soon to begin. I've surpassed my word goal. I didn't touch upon some events of the past week or so - things that are in my bubble or all the things outside of it - but I'll probably open up more when I make writing more of a routine, a habit, a practice. I've been going through some stuff and it's been a lot on me stress / health-wise. I'm trying to handle it / deal with it / do the things I need to do for getting through it. Not sure if it's enough though. I've been better but I know I've been worse. It's just been a lot.

And I'm tired. Really tired.

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