11:00pm Not the first time I've done this recently, but I had deleted one of the phone selfies I had taken before I could upload it to Flickr. I'm frustrated with myself over that because it was not a bad photo considering but nope, it's now just a downloaded image and I don't have the exact date or time it was taken and this is frustrating for me since I try to keep things accurately dated. Anyway, the photos I took earlier tonight were terrible because I look older and I can see that I'm tired. I need to take better care of myself. Drink water. Try not to worry so much. (Good luck with that one, eh?) Try to cope better until things finally change. I've been struggling with that. I know that I'm not living in alignment with how I would like but I also know that I can't do much about that at the moment. Then I think of how there are other things I can do in the meantime, while I am fortunate enough to have what I do have, and I should be bettering myself in other ways that are possible until I can be where I will feel like myself once again. I can't just run away and so I am staying, just trying to make sure we're all okay.
It was my birthday today. But let's back it up to yesterday when I phoned my Dad. He answered. It was the first time we'd spoken in a bit. Turns out he was in the hospital to receive another transfusion around or after Canada Day. I don't know specifically when as I was not contacted. He told me about the stay and another person he met there during that time that he spoke with who was going through the same thing except they're able to get the liver transplant and my Dad isn't. He told me about how it was at the hospital this time. I asked him some questions. Does he feel any pain? He's in pain for lots of reasons and so I guess he's not really able to tell when it comes to this, save for when he gets too weak from blood loss. He bleeds from his mouth and he told me how sometimes it just pours out of his mouth until it stops, like a faucet. This gutted me. To imagine him going through that. But he's out again with the donated blood and I know he'll feel better for a time until the blood loss catches up with him again. But that one description, the way he said it, of how it pours out of his mouth at once sometimes - it was like an immediate haunting of sorts. I sobbed without him hearing me. A cat was scratching at a cupboard door, ignored during full moon time and wanting the food bowls filled and J didn't hear the cat and my voice was raised for him to take care of the cat while I was still on this phone call. Angry outburst of despair. I'm angry I can't help my Dad. I'm angry that he didn't let me help him when I could have done so. I'm angry and sad that I'm losing my Dad in this heartbreaking inevitable way. I had phoned him because I kept thinking I should and also because it was the day before my birthday. After the call, I was furious and sad and hurt and felt more alone than ever. This morning, Dad called me to wish me a happy birthday and it was a quick call but enough that after I hung up, I sobbed again. I cried in this chair for a couple of minutes and no one knew. I cried because I don't know if that was the last time I'll ever hear him tell me happy birthday, not the I've received many of those over the years from my parents, being the surviving twin of the dead and better one. My birthday is just a reminder she's not here.
It wasn't the worst birthday. J went to Starbucks and got my free birthday drink and another one I had paid for and then he went to the store and got kitty litter, a salad and fruit for me. I ate the salad earlier today. I'll eat the fruit tomorrow. The cats needed litter. My gifts were the books I recently purchased. I have lots of gifts around me if I think of it that way, of things. But I know what I really was wanting.
I was wanting connection. I was alone in the dark and dancing to some of the new Leon Bridges songs. I was moving in the dark under the full moon and feeling good the night before my birthday. I tried it again last night but it didn't work. Took video and was sad about myself. The sadness hit hard and not because I got another year older. I know that birthdays are blessings because to see one means you made it through. But it's the way I know I'd rather feel it. I am so lonely in this situation - far more lonely than living alone - and having times when I feel more connected to others who aren't here, it's difficult not to feel the pull toward the abyss. There is nothing I can do about this. Not right now. My wanting seems desperate but it's been there for awhile. I've been ready to move forward but here I am, still, and yet, if I wasn't, I wouldn't have this time to be feeling what I do.
I had my second dose and sometime this coming week is when my two week quarantine period is through. I thought of going for a walk on my birthday today anyway but there was another haze weather advisory due to the wildfires that are blazing in Northern Ontario. It's bad. Then there was the unrest due to the police brutality a few blocks over when they cleared yet another encampment. It's upsetting to know that people who had nowhere to go are punished for that. There is also the reality of knowing it could happen to any of us. It's not a good time. I've felt grief about this country, this city, for all of it. I've thought of how I expected and believed we'd do better when it came to all these things. That's another reason why I am living at odds with myself - I can't abandon the cats or fail them when they are good and need me to do right by them. I couldn't live with myself if I messed this up for them. So I bide the time and run through scenarios of how I can save us all somehow, not knowing when I will save myself. When the call to action to help the encampment people was in the timeline, I heard and saw the police turning off the highway to approach the area and felt further disappointed in myself. I can't risk our safety. I don't have anyone to help and there is no back up plan, no savings, nothing. At the same time, I am in awe of how much of a community there is for some people - even other people like myself who may not have family connections or other ties like that. But still, I'm ashamed of how people are being treated and that it's all happening now. I really was so naive to think we'd be a better society or country or world. If it wasn't for the acts of kindness and the fight still left in some people to care for others, I wouldn't believe in anyone.
So, I'm not doing okay but I am okay. I'm likely going to re-enter that school program for the Fall Semester since it will be online (phew!) and we'll see how it goes. Still trying to Tutor on Monday nights with uncertain results, learning as I go, trying to help. Reading a bit more but not enough. Playing the video game too much but also savouring some moments, though I've been weird the past few days, what with heightened anxiety with all that's going on and no one to have an actual conversation with about it. I'm longing to give over to someone but there are walls everywhere. Ones I've got up and ones they've got up. I'm more of a let's get to the point of it and go from there type but that can't happen on my timeline because people are going to make up their minds when they feel like it and I just have to wait.
I'm stressed and exhausted and would like to be with someone I can fully trust again. I want to get on with life and live it. I want to be who I am and can be. I want to be with someone who also wants that for themselves. I want, I want, I want. But in all this wanting, is the desire to give myself over. I've been on my own, especially in this situation, for a long time now. I'm not desperate. Just ready. I'm ready to be ready.