goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

because your heart is mobile, moving to beat.

Thursday, June 10th, 2021.
This is the latest I've started typing my 750 words for this particular writing streak I have going. I was distracted by an entertaining group chat conversation. I guess if you can't beat them, scare away the intruders with mentions of book clubs, reading and such things. Ah, the gaming community. What a thing. Multi-dimensional and layered with the complexities of our simplicities of being human beings.

Anywho, I don't know how I'm going to get to my writing goal tonight when I've just had late night ramen - left dinner far too late - and so I've got that in my throat and I had taken my anti-anxiety meds not long before that which means those are kicking in, making me feel tired when I was already feeling a bit exhausted from the day. But I'm here. Showing up to the blank page.

Outside the bedroom window is a spectacularly huge spider web and I do not want to see that spider, no. I can wonder in awe at how it managed to make such a web despite the high winds this high up and it being a corner of the building. It makes me think of the spiders that are on the balcony though - the ones we can't paint a spray barrier for just yet until pay day - and of the two or more that have dropped down in view of me, outside the window, trying to web things up out there. The fantastic thing was seeing the black birds that swept in the day before, picking at the neighbour's balcony beside us, then diving about this balcony though not finding anything quite so established or juicy.

The day before that, I also remember the hawks flying about. Beautiful but scary in knowing how they tear apart the pigeons and whatever else they grab hold of on the hunt. They circle in view over the few blocks in front of me. Though they did get chased by some much smaller birds the other day when they were much too close to a nest somewhere nearby. The small birds wouldn't be a match against them but they did a good job at keeping the attackers away. Nature is interesting and inspiring and I'm thankful for a window seat to some of it.

I played the video game today. Also watched another movie on Netflix. It was a re-watch but a good one. The ending got to me because it's not a feel good way to end the story, which was kind of the point for the genre - to not have a happy go lucky ending - but still, shook me a bit. Watching more films again has me thinking I'd like to rewatch some of my favourites that I have saved on disk. Back when I lived in my hometown before returning to Toronto, I had the extra money to spend and I sure did a bit of that. Tons of digital music, lots of films and of course books. But the movies, ooo! While I have many of them on disc still, the digital format is easier to use. But now streaming services have made it all the more easier to watch things and while it's helped me to see films I never would have known about or might not have discovered, I need a good movie marathon of some of my old favourites soon. I know that I also had bought some films that I didn't get around to watching at the time of purchase. Ah, so much!

That's what I was thinking about earlier. All the books I want to read. All the films I want to see. The music I want to hear. The things I want to experience. The things I hope to try. The lips I want to kiss. The hands I want to feel. Everything I hope to learn. All that I need to forget. There is so much out there to do and feel that can become part of who you are, add to your story of self, rewrite, remake, create. Please!

11:54pm So I need to remember how I mentioned that I want to do better with the time I have, the hours of the day (and night) and to nourish what needs it and let go of the things that wear me down. I can admit to not being successful at that just yet. Today I didn't read even a page of words. Now, with my eyes feeling sore, as they often do these days, and the tired feeling pulling me down, I know that I won't complete my goal of reading today like I had hoped. The main reason being that I didn't read during the day and now there is about four minutes left until midnight. So it goes.

However, I succeeded in writing my words. That's at least something. Writing about nothing.

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