goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

the best you can

Tuesday, June 8th, 2021.
Yesterday's writing streak was broken and not broken, in that, the 750 words website had an outage and that means I couldn't type my words. It was probably just as well for me. I was in conversation with someone throughout the downtime. Video game was off. Thought I was going to hear a story or two but not yet. Still, the time was spent well, even if it was not spent writing here.

Today began with a form of closure for me. Heard back and it was good to have it spelled out for me so that I could know for sure instead of guessing. Ah, the things we make up in our heads about people, what we could imagine is there but isn't. Usually, I don't feel something when there is nothing but this time, that's what I did. My mistake.

3:44pm With that cleared up, later in the day after my bath and such, I thought I'd try hosting a Hotrings Only playlist. That's when my PS4 had the blue light of death. The method of using a USB stick to reinstall the operating system went so far as it making it to full reinstallation but then, in the end, the blue light was the final result again. I felt a mixture of relief and "oh no..." and one of my first thoughts was of how I could make room on my table for reading more books and such. It's not like I won't ever play the game again until I can get a new system - there is another PlayStation in the household - but I would likely only use that one in the evenings now & then if I decide to join the big playlists. There goes the big streaming career, ha. Sigh.

But now I'm back to a spacious desk. I'll probably write more in my paper journals to scribble out some thoughts to pass the time. I don't know. I think reading would be the best thing to do for a bit. I'd tell myself to go outside and take some long walks but I really should wait until I've had the 2nd dose of the vaccine first. I live in a hot spot and there is another more contagious variant spreading about and I'm anxious enough, ya know? They are lessening the time between doses now and I think they're up to those who were vaccinated in April so it likely won't be long until they'll get around to people who got the shot when I did. Soon.

Just hit me. I guess it's back to me not laughing anymore again. For a bit there, I got to have those hurt your muscles kind of laughs with people and then there were some discussions now and then that were nice - some conversation. As well as I am treated, those are things I have not had much of just here, with the other person. So I suppose that reminder of how lonely I am in some respects has just hit me in this moment. I'll be fine. The silence is just going to feel louder for a bit without the gaming people in my ear. Certain voices will be missed more than others.

At least I still exist out here. I mean, those who want to be in contact with me, can be. I'm still here. On here.

If I had been able to write my words yesterday, I would have mentioned how FB had reminded me that On This Day (yesterday/2019) we had learned that he had enough points to take the train - the universe helping us along for him to take the job in the other city, for him to move away - it was all very exciting and all meant to be and such. I was elated, thinking of how it was an opportunity to see what I could do here on my own. As it turns out, gut feeling and the very same universe had him moving back early the following year (2020) just in time before lockdown. He returned with a remote work job and the cats were glad to have him back too. Neither one of us would have been able to support ourselves if the circumstances had been any different.

What does that have to do with today? Maybe I wished the PS4 away. Maybe I felt so bad about myself, my behaviour, the way I've misused my time, that I flatlined it without intentionally doing so. It's the perfect crime, to will it to be so. Or it was just the timing. I can't be any bother to people if I'm not there. I look around me, behind me is a wall of books and to the right of me, the book nook - and I know I should be getting on with that. Read more. Write more. Repeat. Maybe I could make some journaling videos, blank and used?

At what age do I stop punishing myself for everything and what would it be like to feel that way?

I just typed this to someone in a message:

"You can't do anything differently than you did or you would have.

So you're doing the best you can and could."

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