goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,
goldmourn
amberdawnpullin

a mad desire

Sunday, June 6th, 2021.
11:07pm
You can tell that Spring / Summer is here because people are contacting me from out of nowhere and I am more wanting as well. Where is that getting me? I don't know. I'm not confused about what I'm curious about but I don't know if it is a reciprocal curiosity or not. If anything, some things point toward no or not yet while other things seem to indicate, yes, curious, noticing, maybe. Don't know.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling slightly pathetic at how eager I am to prove myself somehow.

Like, I want to interact in the way that shows I am who I am and I do not lie, though I have used discretion when necessary in life, I am overall a very straight forward, direct and honest person. I have said the truth even if it pains me. That said, with things heating up for everyone, I admit I'm participating in some of the flirting and such, but I'm also clear on who I like. At least, to those who know me, it's obvious.

I seem so flippin' desperate but if I was, I'd be seeing the people who are in vicinity, in my real life, who are contacting me for meet ups and are asking me to see them - I mean, if it was merely loneliness or just wanting attention for the sake of it - let alone I could get attention if I wanted it here at home. But no, I actually do want something that has more depth than that. Which is why it is so freaking frustrating to not have a chance to interact with the person on a level beyond the game. It's not like exchanging numbers for various apps of communication isn't a thing, ya know? I wouldn't bother them but I'd at least be able to exchange typed words and see what's there in that way.

For some reason, I'm only becoming more interested as this goes on. Today was a lot of time off and on interacting in the game and when he'd show up again, ah, I was all a quiver. And then he quoted some lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's song, 'I'm On Fire' and oh my, isn't that just one of my long time songs of mad desire. But I need to wait. I guess this is the gathering intel stage. Well, the best source is me. I'll give up everything. Don't even have to tie me down to get the information you need. I can direct you to various sources if necessary. If there is that something, I'll let you know about the missing pieces of the story. I'll tell you everything.

I'm not a good liar. Never have been. My face gives it away. My voice does. I tend to prefer truth over everything. I've not been keeping journals for nothing. Writing my life has been about telling my truth, from my point of view. I've challenged my beliefs over the years, from a young age, and I will likely continue to do so as I learn more growing older. Even when I'm dreaming, in the midst of a nightmare, I can't lie to myself. Often, it's the knowing of the truth, the reality of something, that shifts me from dream to lucidity to waking up.

As the years progress, I have further distance from circumstances and the choices made years ago which has given me insight and perspective into things I didn't see at the time. One of the main ones being the totally wrong relationship I had with that Guy when I was 19/20 into my later '20s. The fact that there are people who read this online journal back then - let's just say I wonder what the hell the other adults in my life were thinking in encouraging me to have a relationship with a man that was in his 30's when I was still a virgin at age 19 when online, age 20 when he met me in person? Like, that power dynamic was not a good idea from the start and yet? Sure, I accept that it was part of shaping who I am now (as with any relationship) but wow, just no, wow, no.

I can't regret everything and I don't. I hope that is how I feel when I am able to have distance from this time period.

So I turned on the song and I don't remember how I felt about Guy now but instead have connected it to earlier today, the way I think of this person's voice and how I'm affected by my vulnerability, the mind body response to his virtual presence. It's starting to feel like private messaging with other guys is bad because it's almost like cheating even though there has been no claim made on me by this one. I'm that pulled in.

I don't want to talk so much. I would listen listen listen if he had me. Do you know how long I've been wanting someone who knew how to be a person who could laugh, sing, express themselves - know themselves? I think he said something about self-awareness and I know it seems that I lack it on the game but it's been a part of my life since I was young, trying to figure things out along the way. I'm always returning to this.

I can't rush into anything that would have me upset the dynamics of survival at this time, out of courtesy for the situation I live in and the living beings here. But it's no secret, no lie that I've been going without what my spirit needs most in this life to feel truly like I'm living a life worth writing for, worth loving. I've done it on my own from time to time and that's all fine but there are certain things that click in me and some who know where.

One minute to midnight.
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