11:05pm The first of April. I checked the bank account and rent has come out. Rent is paid. Things are so tight right now but rent is paid which means we have a place to live still and I am thankful and relieved. I haven't typed a journal entry since March 1st. It's like I'm doing a monthly report only it is too vague and shares very little about all that happens or can happen within one month. I'm not used to writing anymore. I play video games all the time. I don't read the books I have around me that I want to read. I play video games. I'm not just imaginary racing anymore. Now I am into imaginary spacing - series! in! space! is a thing now - 'Elite Dangerous' is the game. Trying to type these words but since this is a new thing I am doing, one of the cats is pawing at a door to get my attention. I changed her water. The garbage needs to go out so I'm getting that done right now by telling the other household participant to do it because I don't go out - especially during another lockdown and when cases are high - no way - and my ears are bothering me which means I likely have some kind of ear infection thing going on and I just don't need to be freaking out. Anyway, this is a terrible way to start a post, to return to writing, to try and come back to online journaling. And the headache is back. That headache. The headaches that started last year that are different from headaches I ever had before. Ow.
I mentioned gaming because it has consumed a lot of my time. Or, I have been consumed by the time I am gaming. I broadcast on Twitch first and then I export to my YouTube channel. The other night I made a vlog where I spoke to the camera 'On Gaming and Grief' and I gave a personal update about some life stuff. I think that I should try to make more vlogs or videos where I talk or share things or maybe ones where I explore my long-time interest in ASMR and share some of my collections (books, music, journals, etc) but I'm not quite there yet. So, most of the time this old YouTube channel I've had seems flooded with my gaming videos. It's what I've been into for awhile though. It's not the entirety of me but I can't deny it's become the main way I pass the hours.
It'd be nice if I was reading a book and losing myself (or finding myself) in the pages of these beautiful books I have around me but it seems easier to pick up the PS4 controller and press R2 than to turn to reading. It bothers me that reading is not my go to for escapism or exploration like it was when I was years ago younger. Or the way I used to write in my paper journals and the snail mail I'd send out. I don't think I've lost the ability but I know that I long to do those things while also pulled toward the interactions and connections on the game - whether that's been good for me or not - and I don't want to dismiss any hobby, interest or passion that people have or any thing that is helping people to cope or distract or help them through this time period or any, really. I just know that I wanted more balance for myself when it comes to the time I put toward my various interests and I know that I haven't put time in for the things that move me most. It's on me to make the effort but - well, I can't even blame the pandemic for this one because this has been a problem for a few years - but I can say that existing during a worldwide pandemic that impacts my life and those I know has most definitely not made it any easier for me to turn to something better for me.
Then again, I know I could be doing much worse. All things considered, I've done alright. Rent is paid. Cats are okay. We're still here. Making it through the rough and tough times when the stress and anxiety peaks. Getting through. What else to do?
I registered for a 2nd Term of the T.P.E. Program the other day for classes in May. I made the Dean's List for Fall 2020 Semester. Wondering if I will do that again this next term. Going to try my best. Easier to show up when classes are online. The break I took was for the best but what I had hoped to improve or change during the time period didn't happen. However, I did come to realize that I have to do this for myself - not to prove anything to anyone or try to make parents or anyone proud or even to show that I can do it to others - no, I have to do it just to show myself that I will follow through with it. There are things I can learn. There were some disappointing realizations I had to come to terms with - that I can't just afford to proceed with my education despite being capable of earning nearly perfect grades or of having the ambitions - that a cumulative GPA and the household credit score comes into play when applying for further higher education - and that my age and "station" in life also affect any prospects I might have even hoped to have - the road to going anywhere further blocked or at the least, congested with all the other people now backed up in the traffic lane due to covid circumstances and such. So if I am going to do this, I need to do it without thinking of some outcome other than the certificate for the program. Get that and see about taking more courses that align with the interests I have. Try to keep an open mind about opportunities while realizing that we're about to go through a lot of things here with the pandemic and what follows after. In the end, all I truly wanted to become was a writer, right? Then what do I really need to be doing? Write.
11:40pm We're going under a lockdown soon. It won't change my day to day life since I've basically been on lockdown for years. But it adds to the anxiety when you know that things are not going well. I had a feeling they weren't because we live beside a highway where ambulances head toward one of the hospitals and it was getting bad for a bit there. I'm not looking forward to the clearing out of encampments (where are people supposed to go when landlords are able to evict people during a pandemic when jobs have been lost? Where is our humanity?!) and the continuous exploitation of those who are forced to work in dangerous conditions and the ongoing ever expanding disparities in our society where people are falling falling falling through the cracks. I haven't forgotten for one moment that it could be me and how careful we need to be to stay where we are let alone how difficult it would have been to not have even the minimum of what we do have. Paycheque to paycheque and you have to feel grateful for even that knowing that others aren't able to have that during this pandemic. For some reason, the wealthy people seem to have no concept or empathy - it's just us down here who walk that line and feel how thin it is, how precarious, how we could fall off at any time - that is what adds to the anxiety, the fear, the hold fast and hold on feeling of this.
I've had a lot of thoughts about a lot of things and not put them anymore except to share with someone who doesn't really do the conversations thing and maybe now and then I am able to discuss with someone on the game but I know that I need to be typing journal entries and returning to my writing. That's where I can explore my thoughts and feelings and hopefully help myself get through this time period. I know that I let the entire first year of the pandemic basically go by without writing much about it, not really documenting an important historical event during my lifetime but just racing, racing, racing. I'll try to do better. Here is a tough sentence to write and some may not take it well or believe it but this is how I feel right now - I don't think this is just going to be a year two of this. I think it's going to last longer.
We haven't dealt with it as well as we could have or should have and there are consequences to that.
Meanwhile, as economic systems falter and the gap gets wider between the haves and have nots and people are trying to survive during not only a pandemic but multiple crisis on calamity of climate disasters, political struggles and basic human needs going unmet, well, let's just say that I'm bracing myself.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I would like to come back tomorrow night and write again. Or maybe write earlier in the day if I expect to be doing something else (okay, gaming) with my time. I want to write. Writers write. Writers also procrastinate about writing. And write in their heads while doing other things and then don't write. Or worry about not writing and then further delay writing because they're afraid of what they'll write when they get back to writing.
Stay safe. <3