goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,
goldmourn
amberdawnpullin

factories and farms

Saturday, August 8th, 2020.
11:38pm
Less than twenty minutes to get my words completed before midnight. I did this to myself. Again. But it was worth it (hopefully I can still keep the streak going) because I had a good time in the Crash Unit playlist this evening. It ended around eleven-thirty but then I had to title the name of the livestream and then start the upload process over to YouTube where I keep my gaming videos (mostly imaginary racing, mostly).

11:40pm Today was the start of the heatwave but it wasn't too bad yet. It's supposed to get worse and continue on for a couple weeks. Not looking forward to that but at the same time, I am thankful that we have air flow up in this apartment and since we aren't overwhelmed with a heatwave quite yet, there is still respite in the cool breeze and air that seems to be a gift because of the lake nearby. Lake Ontario. Gord Downie wrote a love song for it, ya know. Or at least, maybe it was about the lake and also about someone or something else. But the song is called 'The Lake' so I'm pretty sure the lake was a big part of it. Tangent there but I need tangents if I am going to make it to my word count goal in time.

11:43pm Not too sure that I will. I started too late. Sometimes I can zip through the words and thoughts flow but I am backspacing too much and not really getting into it. I think the fact that I didn't leave myself much time has hampered my belief in myself, that I can actually get the words done.

I pulled up a note I had made on my phone about a dream I had on the 7th of August. The note reads: "Pig farm revisit - exploration of house upstairs - disconnected sink and no toilet - outside, people working on barn - saw his whole family" and that seems like as good a place as any to get inspiration to write something, to fill this post with words. I thought about that dream at some point today and maybe that's another reason why it is a good thing to make a note of your dreams or to write it down somewhere - more likely to be remembered - but most times, I would rather forget.

I think it's interesting that the other day I dreamed of the factory and now I've gone back to the pig farm where my mom & step-father were renting an old farm house on a lot that had old pig barns that the landlord still had in use. He later had built large mass production factory farm size ones to the side of the highway near where he had also built a large mansion size house for his large family. I remember when we'd drive past it. You could see the grand part that showed there was an upstairs that had an open concept, where all the bedrooms would be, as though you could be downstairs and look up at it while inside - though I don't know if I remember that very clearly or if it was my imagination or just what it appeared to look like. I know that he worked hard.

I remember that house though. I heard that it was torn down and covered over years ago - the old farmhouse - and of course it had to be, dilapidated and most likely a hazard for many reasons - but because I never saw it taken down or been by to see the land since, in my mind, it's still there. I remember the large ditch on the other side of the road, the one that could lose a car in it if it slid in during winter and if the snow covered it over - that deep! - and I remember the barns out back of the house because I'd look outside the bedroom window and watch the activity of when the landlord would show up to work at them. We used to have chats sometimes, some good talks, and he was handsome and young and told me I should marry a farmer. But let's be real, I wasn't from that world and I wasn't wife material, even then, not knowing what I would be but knowing enough at fourteen. I became a factory worker instead. And I didn't see myself being a factory worker's wife either.

That got me to 750 words, continuing the writing streak (8 days!) but I want to go back to the details of that dream. I remember my bedroom (the first time I lived at that house - not the brief second time when I had a boyfriend with me and my hands were hamburger meat from the work situation) but from before, when I would be laying on the floor of the room and the window was such that they went low near the floor, old houses like that, but tall, too. When I think of the bathroom that was in between my bedroom and the master bedroom, I can't believe three of us shared that. I remember the discoloured water we drank from the well that we likely shouldn't have. I remember that. I remember the septic tank that had to be emptied outside back of the house. And the time he had to get another well drilled for water over in one of the fields. I don't think it was for us so much as for his pigs, mostly. The pigs. The live beings in those old dark barns and conditions. The pit behind the barns that was full of their shit and whatever else - completely contaminated and you wouldn't want to fall in there - you'd die. But in the dream, there were people there fixing up a new barn - not a factory barn but a barn like the older ones would have been built like. I suppose, unless he sold it off, he'd still have that land and maybe he's got one of his kids owning it now and maybe they have built on that land for starting out. I don't know. I wouldn't know.

one minute. midnight.
Tags: dreams & nightmares
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