10:11pm I'm tired and I want to go to bed but again, I've left the writing of the words until the last part of the day. Husband is gone to bed and the apartment is quiet. Just finished uploading photos to Flickr and I hope I remember to share a few of them on my LJ soon. The best pics I took were on my phone when JB let me take photos of her tossing autumn leaves into the air. I wish I could be in photos like that. I am so self-conscious of myself, I can't even imagine the last time I was having fun in a photo. I've continued with the 365 Days self portrait project and the year is nearly over at this point. Maybe I could give it another try next year and hope to see an improvement in the way I express myself by then?
happy autumn leaves
10:23pm There are things I want to get done in the bookroom. I started by trying to gather up various books for donation but realized I was not letting go of very many. I haven't even covered the bottom of the bag yet. What I likely need to do is a complete reorganization of all the shelves and go book by book - a better way to make a decision to keep or donate. I want to declutter but at the same time, I know that I am a book lover and that I like having my books. I've filled plenty of those reusable bags to the brim with books for donation several times since we moved here and I probably don't need to do it again just yet. I could use the activity of shuffling my books around from shelf to shelf, I suppose. That used to be something that I did more often when I was in my '20s or so, once I'd started to have more than one bookcase of books, and I believe there can be a zen-like action to rearranging - much like how I'd feel when I used to move my furniture around every so often. I think that's something I definitely miss being able to do. I liked changing things up and with this particular space, I've recently moved things the best I could.
10:30pm What is likely affecting how I feel about my room is that after visiting JB, the simplicity of how her desk is arranged and the lights that go around her room, the space to think of possibilities - I like that. At the same time, I like the feeling that my books give me - the comfort of them being on the shelves around me - on the wall behind me and to the left of me as I sit at my desk - it's cozy. But yeah, it's probably the realization that I could have less things if I wanted to and that I don't have to hold on to everything. I want more focus. More space for clarity. I want to keep the books I love, whether I have time to read them or not, and I want to feel an appreciation for what I have, not a sense that I'm drowning myself with things & stuff.
10:59pm More and more the statement is being said, "why ARE you holding yourself back?" because it seems that I shouldn't have to anymore. With writing, with vlogging, with expressing myself in creative ways. For one thing, it seems that I do better when I am going for it, when I'm doing the best I can with what is - now - and it's as though I'm getting very close to breaking through that barrier (that barrier is myself? Maybe?) and then I stop just in time before I get to breakthrough.
pekoe & vincent
Well, I'm in back in my hometown. I don't have the option of attending George Brown college classes for free because this isn't Toronto. I don't know where to find the creative types here so easily as I did when I lived in the city where everything happens (or can happen) but fortunately for me, I do have a few people who are my friends that are either nearby (hello, neighbour!) or just a postcard or Skype call or blog post comment / email away from inspiring and encouraging me in some way. I am very thankful for that, even if I may not take the time that I should to say so.
However, I know there are certainly less opportunities for me than I had in Toronto when it comes to the social media thing, the events & festivals & artsy people & the wonderful people I had the privilege to meet, work with and be friends with. I am sad about the lost chances but hopeful that this isn't the end of the possibilities. I have limited opportunities when it comes to creative work, access to jobs that I can do and schooling HOWEVER, I am first and foremost someone who wants to write and THAT is something I can do right here. The same goes for making vlogs and taking photos. BUT it also means that I have less to work with, too. I mean, there is a big difference so far as the amount of things I could see with a walkabout when living in Toronto as compared to here. It goes without saying. That's why many of us small-town creative kids wanted to go to The Big City. It seemed like the only place where things could ever happen.
I want to prove myself wrong.
This is me trying to do just that.