goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

the meaning(s) of compass

365 Days (2015): Day 18
Feel too tired to write. Write anyway.
365 Days (2015): Day 18

P.S. Tonight was my 140 day writing streak on!

Sunday, January 18th, 2015.
Another night to write. It's been a strange sort of day for me. Slept more than usual with the emotional aftermath of last night. My schedule is off now but it hasn't been "on" for quite some time and so it doesn't matter as long as I follow through with my daily goals. I don't want to derail my progress because of an emotional upset. What is important is that there is communication and an open conversation in our relationship. I completely understand that things don't change over night. That patterns of behaviour and ways of dealing (or not dealing) with situations over decades of time are difficult to challenge and it is easy to fall back on the old ways of retreat and defeat. I admire people for trying at all - that's better than not trying. I'm still trying. I have taken several steps forward and countless steps back. I understand it when I see someone else dealing with a similar struggle.

I've mentioned it more than once how it doesn't seem fair that some of us were not given a rule book or a mentor, maybe some guidance and supportive encouragement, along with advice taught by example and with compassionate understanding. When you're a kid, you come to think that parents don't know anything. When you're an adult, you realize that it's true. Sure, some of us have learned from our experiences and have developed some insight. Most haven't.

10:53pm Learning to trust other people is difficult. Even more difficult, is learning how to trust yourself. When you've allowed other people to tell you who you are or have defined yourself by how they have labeled you, how they have wanted you to be or expected you to be or however they have come to view you, it's often for the worse. This is not entirely the other person's fault. I have learned this lesson more than once very personally that we allow people to treat us a certain way and that affects how they view us and also how we view ourselves. It's a cycle or a circle or something that can go round & round and it can eventually become difficult or next to impossible to tell where it all began.

Letting someone else define your being, the person that you are (whether static or in progress) is much like holding a broken compass in the middle of nowhere and having no sense of direction when what you need is the kind of direction that should come from knowing yourself. If who you believe yourself to be is what others see, and you don't feel that way but you aren't able to speak up for yourself, you are lost. I have let myself be defined by others view (or use / misuse) of me, but I have always had a sense of myself, even if I know that I'm going against my core, that I might be hurting myself by following along with someone else's idea of what I should be or how I should act or what I should do. But to my centre, I have always had a sense of who I am.

Yes, I have been lost in the drama of life and in personal struggles, whether from within or external, I have wandered lost for years at a time, it seems. Or in and out of wakefulness, as though through states of dreaming, only in the dream am I fully awake to myself and the rest of the time I could easily sleepwalk through existence. It's so easy to do that, isn't it? So much easier, at times. But always, there is this pull back to the core, the centre of what made you and what makes you. I like the word "makes" in this instance because we can recreate ourselves with our choices, with open minds and an open heart, through our decisions and how we learn from our experiences in life.

For those who are here for the cats: Vincent, Pekoe, Miss Kitty Meow.
Miss Kitty Meow

I'm starting to believe the most important things, beyond survival, is our relationship with ourselves (we're all we have, in the end) and the ones we form with our loved ones, our friends, the kindness we can give to others in those moments that happen every now and then. Not allowing ourselves to numb out in our lives, to remember that one day it all stops and so we must do what we can to not fall into that sleepy state of letting the days go by without figuring yourself out and then learning from there what it is you want to do to be content, to feel good about your time here, somehow.

Sure, this is all easy for me to write about, sitting here at my desk with music by Kate Bush playing on the iMac, typing out these words on my reliable netbook. It's easy to work on that kind of stuff when your basic needs are met and you can think about things like that. Not everyone has the luxury. I know from years of raw experience, it isn't their / our fault. I also know that just because someone is poor or unable to achieve certain goals in life, that doesn't mean they are worse off in spirit than someone who is successful by society's terms. I have met some of those successful people and their lives are messes from the inside, their bitterness more tangible, their sense of failure at what matters most more heartbreaking then the people I have known with very little to their name, very little that can be said of them as far as accomplishments, and yet their lives are full of such richness, their hearts so capable of such love despite cruel circumstances. I am not going to say that is the same for all but I learned a lot and seen this for myself. I have empathized with most.

I have seen people scared as much about all that they had as much as someone by all they did not. It gave me the perspective of how very little difference there is between human beings when it comes to the core. Your compass - is it there? Is it your own? Do you use it? I call it intuition. Others have called it the Wise and knowing part of one's self.

This is where I must say that while I have been doing much better with my inner compass, that I have recovered my sense of direction and know who I am, that I could probably benefit from getting lost for a bit. In the sense that, I could use a good walk into the woods, into some unknown place to myself. Not because I want to lose myself, but to remind myself that it only matters truly that I trust myself. That I know I can find my way. That I don't need anyone else to tell me who I am or where I am at. I probably don't even need to go into the woods to figure that out. Walking down the street a block or so might be enough.

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