goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

  • Music:

basketball & ballroom dancing

I haven't been out of the house much this past week because I've been dealing with a bit (a lot) of anxiety. I was out on Monday, the day after Guy arrived home, and then I didn't leave the house until Thursday when I went to the doctor's again. This time, when I had the medical form filled out, the doctor did not write down a return to work date, like he had on the previous recent forms filled out during this recent time of being off work. I'm being referred to a specialist (psychiatrist) and I will continue meeting with the therapist as well - next appointment on October 4th. I will probably have my medication changed from effexor xr to something else after the psychiatrist meets with me and figures out what would be more effective. The anxiety has definitely worsened over the past few months to the point where I now feel the tightening in my chest and as though someone is pushing down on my shoulders. have been using my paper journal to vent in but it gives me no solutions to my problems.

The landlady was here today and when she asked about rent and when I would have the money, all I could say in response was, "I don't know... I don't know." Not a good thing. I'll have to wait until Monday before I can get any answers for myself, let alone for the landlords. In the meantime, my rational mind is trying to get me to calm down about it because there is nothing that I can do about it until the new week begins and so there is no sense in spazzing out over it but of course there is that part of me that remains in panic mode. It's not as if I haven't been through this a hundred times before, right? And yet it doesn't get any easier.

I had active dreams last night. There was the usual horror and adventure bits but for a change there was some fun, too. I played a great game of basketball and also learned how to dance. The instructor was a man in his late fifties to mid sixties, but quite healthy and energetic. It seemed to me that this dream was in the past and that same man would be in his seventies or eighties now, make any sense? The music was something similar to Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman and other Big Bands of the era. The dancing class took place in a school gym the same as the basketball game that had occured earlier, and there was a lot of other people that I didn't know in the dream as well. Going over the dance steps with other couples partnered up was fun and I remember vividly looking at the floor to watch my steps. I did well at that too and the man who was teaching us paired up with me and we showed the people how it was done. I felt good at being complimented and it felt wonderful to dance, to hear the music and to learn the moves. I would like to learn how to ballroom dance as well as other forms, for sure. The basketball game was competitive and I was impressed that I could play without being intimidated by the sport or other players. Yes, those were my favorite parts of the dream. Before all that I had other dreams with family in it and Guy but those segments have left me. The part most vivid was the joy I felt in dancing and the confidence when the instructor and I were going over the dance moves. I woke up and went into the living room to see if I had learned what I had been 'taught' in the dream - step step step turn step step - but then I woke up more and proceeded onward to the washroom. Sometimes I wish the dream wouldn't end but my bladder is much too persuasive.
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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