mind moves back into a memory. you are with someone else. (no, i am) we are walking on a narrow icy pathway between houses in wintertime to the street beside a trendy Toronto park. you're in love (i am) and will believe in everything. when you'll do anything but it won't be enough to make any of it stay. flowers in a vase. he cried because no one had bought him flowers before. the demise of the relationship has rested solely on myself. if i had been different, acted different, accomplished different things. that time period will remain highly charged because it was the last time i would ever let myself love someone in that way ever again. sometimes i think it's a shame. other times, an immense relief.
the way each choice made can change your life. that step you took directed you away from what you thought you wanted and what you might have had. you will never be that person again. and you won't stop being who you are.
enough years have passed since the first time. you have loved others. been known to a few. you long ago stopped belonging to them when it occurred to you that you were your own. you learned this lesson more than once. your love is no longer dramatic. it is the subtle kind that comes after too much heartbreak. worn down to love less is better than not at all.
you receive more than you give. there is balance in giving less of yourself. to holding on to more of yourself. allows what is left to be loved more by someone who can.
all prior loving breaks down into pieces. fragments. scattered bits. remains of something long gone. with time, it becomes easier to forget. also, easier to remember. enough time and distance separates you that it doesn't hurt the same anymore. at times, you wish it would. it does seems strange to feel so little for what once meant so much.
i could have been with nearly any of them and been happy if i would have been able to be happy with myself.
days away from being married. i won't be having any children. the only thing i might aspire to produce is a good book one day, maybe a collection of poems, or a legacy of paper journals to leave behind my name. i imagine there will be nothing else born from me to carry on. why marriage? because we've agreed we may as well. we live together. our lives are intertwined. we ought to make it official. it will make anniversaries easier to mind. this will be a new first for us both. our first marriage. age thirty-five. i suppose it's time we get on with it.
let yourself be happy anyway.
explanations, apologies and closure for all other love accounts will not be received. unfortunately, that is how it seems to go. a check and balance in the books one has to figure out for themselves, on their own. overtime.
we need to realize who we are when we are by ourselves (in or out of a relationship) and live our best selves. the parts you loved most about love, passion, connecting with that significant other for that amount of time - it all began in you, it was all you. reflect yourself. each love was an excuse. each heartbreak was a loss because you thought they were giving you something you didn't have. all those good things about yourself you thought went away with them? all those good things were always yours. inside yourself is the lock and key, the window and door, everything and more.
why do we deny ourselves the love we so easily gave to others?
it is here and it is ours.
one of the men i loved. he left when it was getting serious. furious about an empty fridge. i thought we had something there for sure. fluttery feelings. kisses on stairs. chaste but exciting dates. walks and peppermint tea. fireflies in a park. but he bolted. so i moved on. nine months later he returned. he admitted he liked me. had been scared of his feelings. wasn't ready but now. i had boxes piled up in my apartment. i was moving away in three days. it was too late. even when we tried again years later. i ruined it when i made the choice to see things through with someone else. the same situation. the same people. reversed. now, i know he's married and happy and i was a lesson. don't go back. only forward.
or don't leave when you want so badly to stay in the first place.
- adp, 24 September 2013