8:45am Already wrote in my paper journal this morning. I've been writing more often and still keeping up the neat printing which helps me to write more than I have in a long time. My cursive writing is too sloppy, unfortunately. A side effect of too much typing over the years and not enough pen writing.
9:42am I can't believe it took me this long to discover the book community on YouTube! All this time that I've been buying books and keeping it to myself, I could have been sharing my book hauls in a vlog unashamedly and been able to appreciate other people's purchases, too. I didn't know that this was a thing, ya know? I think that if I had been part of this community, I would have been reading more, as well. How can one not be motivated and inspired when so many people are sharing their love for literature? It's truly a fantastic place to share your books. I really fell behind the curve with this one.
12:47pm I dream of this city a lot. You'd think I'd dream about Toronto instead but no, ever since I got back here, I often have dreams of my hometown, various streets I knew from childhood in this stupid small city. Do I dream of it so much because I stay indoors all the time? Do I dream of it because it is the place where I was born and whether I like it or not, I am tied to it? I've flown low above trees and buildings here, along streets and sidewalks I knew from the times I lived here before. I wonder, when I finally do get outside, will places look similar? Will this town be as familiar as it is in my dreams?
4:25pm Still watching book haul videos. Seriously, why didn't I find out about these sooner?!
4:30pm November is coming up way too fast with all that we have to get done before we travel. We left this stuff way too last minute. I hope that we get our act together. I feel the stress of this, the pressure of time, and I'm freaking out although I'm trying not to think about it to keep myself calmer. I really wish we hadn't procrastinated. I usually nag enough to keep us on top of things but when it came to this, I didn't. Dammit.
It's been choppy waters in my head lately. Self-esteem is at an all-time low. If I had only known when I'd complain about my appearance even last year that I looked damn fine compared to how I look (and feel) now. And then there is the terrible fear that I will be even worse later on. It's not a good feeling. So I'm trying to make changes but I've had some setbacks and disappointments. It's much too easy to get discouraged. I feel like this part of my life really got away from me. This year has been brutal to me. And also good? I mean, financially, this has been my best year ever. It's almost as though I have this contract with myself that I can't have everything I want at the same time. I mean, seriously. It really seems that way.
5:15pm I was reading a book on the couch a minute ago when the memory of getting mail came to me. Mail when I was a teenager and lived in the rented farmhouse on Ebenezer Road with my Mom and step-dad. A mailbox that was attached to the tree in the lane way. It had one of those flags that creaked when you put it up to let the postal worker know that you had outgoing mail. Or you would see it up after mail had been delivered. I wrote my friends who I had moved away from and had some great pen pals among them. Some of my friendships blossomed most through long letters in those years. I loved receiving mail. Later, I'd also get cassettes from Columbia House and I loved book clubs, too - this was before amazon or even the internet as we know it today. Stepping outside and walking up the lane to get the mail in those formative years was one of my favourite things.
To this day, I love snail mail. Although I don't have pen pals anymore and both music clubs and book clubs have disappeared, now one can order quite a lot through the internet and receive many things through the mail. I miss the days of having friends to write to but I realize that this is mostly my fault. As the internet became more and more useful, I neglected my friendships. I didn't hold the page as holy as I did before and this partially led to the deterioration of my closest connections.
Times like that won't ever come again. The direction our technology has taken nearly guarantees it.