goldmourn (amberdawnpullin) wrote,

& i lost him all over again.

Saturday, September 24th, 2011.
{background noise: Talking Heads ~ 'Take Me To The River'} I have a hair appointment for quarter after one across the street at the same place that did a fantastic job at returning my hair to (near) close as I can get to my natural dark brunette. It's nice to have my hair be all one shade again. It's also a bit strange as I hadn't realized just how different the lighter shades had been on me -- no wonder my blonde-ish transformation a few years ago was such a dramatic change for everyone. Ah, but I am melancholy at heart so best I go with the brunette - which somehow brightens me up in some way. Maybe it's the way it shows off my paleness? I might consider subtle highlights down the road but for now I'll just try to take care of it as it is (get a blowout this afternoon?) and work on the rest of me. Nice to have pretty hair but it's my body that needs the most maintenance. (blah)

{background noise: Neil Diamond ~ 'Cherry, Cherry'} I love this song so much! I sat down to type a depressing dream but this song makes me want to get up and dance. Dad told me long ago that he used to play Neil Diamond while I was in the womb so yeah, I'm one of those people that likes Neil Diamond. Maybe my twin was the one who would have been one of those other people - the ones who don't like Neil Diamond? Strange thought there. Man, I really dig this song. (Going to put on repeat) Hey, maybe I should type about the sad dream with a happy song playing so that I don't cry?

I killed Hagrid. Again.
It was a few nights ago - or the morning, right before waking, who knows in dream time - when my nightmare / action / adventure dream twisted too much for me. There was a colony of people living in connected shacks of sorts, maybe trailers, maybe bits of houses but technically off the grid and supposed to be a safe place from whatever monsters were in the dream - and there was a woman who was a doctor of some kind and for some reason I suddenly was entrusting her to take care of Hagrid - whether the intention was to make him well or to put him down humanely, I can't recall, but next thing I know, I was told that he was given "juice" (poisoned) and tossed atop a pile of dead things in the dark of a cellar. My mind kicked into lucid dream mode and I was aware that he wasn't dead but was dying - painful, horrifying, so cruel - and despite Neil Diamond groovin' with 'Cherry, Cherry' I am starting to tear up a bit here - and so this is where I knew I was close to waking up because of the trauma (letting go of Hagrid in real life was quite traumatic for me) and so while I was being pulled out of the dream I was scrambling to fix things before waking. I wanted a rescue mission to get in there and retrieve Hagrid from such a terrible place. I also thought, could I save him? Could I at least be there for him, to comfort him? I visualized a park of trees in autumn, leaves everywhere, turned, on the ground and above, a quiet place that I could hold him away from that nightmare --- and I woke up. This dream shook me.

Okay. Breathe. So, what was this about? Anxiety, obviously. But if it was just about the loss of Hagrid, this part of the dream, then it could be for a few things. It could be a feeling of guilt for having him put down. It could be me continuing to grieve him. It could be that I still feel his loss like a thud, a twist inside, a heartbreak. It could be that I felt I abandoned him. And then I realized that it's me that feels abandoned. (Yes, abandonment issues, I have them). Not to put blame on a dead cat, but yes, I feel like Hagrid left me. I feel like he went far too soon. I feel like he left me and Lion and I miss him and wish that he didn't go. Despite the assurances of the veterinarian that I was doing the right thing in letting Hagrid go with how ill he was and that it was only going to get worse for him, that he'd suffer terribly - part of me can't reconcile that I somehow I had the strength to let go of him before he could get much worse. But he was such a beautiful kind soul that I couldn't bear to see him go through the illness any longer, even if his absence hurts. It was in a later phone call that I needed reassurance from Tallman that the right thing had been done - we were there with Hagrid, petting him and he was purring and sucking up and content and unaware of what the vet was about to do - that it was quick and painless for him and under the most humane circumstances one could hope for - I needed to hear that I did the right thing.

I've dreamed of my cats for years now. Probably since my '20s when I had the stressful situation dealing with the factory and being off sick and worrying about rent and so forth. Losing my two boys was a fear and it was something I dreamed about right through until it eventually happened when, for three months or so, I had to be parted from them after moving to Toronto and ending up on someone's couch when I was homeless - when my cats went to Glencoe and in order for me to function and keep going to work here I couldn't even say their names nor could handle the mention of them. When I got them back once I attained this apartment in mid-January 2009, oh it was wonderful. They both recovered from their feral-like states and Hagrid especially was quite happy. I'd say he was happier here in this bachelor apartment then he'd been since the previous time it'd been just us three. For about two years I had them both here with me. After I had them back, I'd have the dream of them both being gone from me now & then but recognized of course it would be a fear but it's one I'd already faced in real life and made it through. Hagrid dying before Lion and going so soon, well, that was something I never dreamed would happen.

Not long ago, I had a dream where it was just Lion in it. I felt like that was me accepting the situation now and also showing that Lion and I were becoming closer again. Lion has adjusted and although I can't read a cat's mind, I'd say he's doing alright. And then that dream of Hagrid had to happen. I really don't want that to be the new anxiety dream. How horrible it will be if I end up having nightmares of different ways Hagrid dies? Not to say I don't have other bad dreams of worse things but this is something I just don't want to see be a recurring theme, ya know?

Yes, I typed that much about a cat.
Tags: dreams & nightmares

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